Wednesday, August 03, 2005 Bipolar Bear, get it!? Haha!!

A bipolar weekend: Fun, laughter, swings, and tears, man.  Out of control. Maybe it’s because I have a lot on my mind, a lot to gripe about, and then a whole lot to smile about, but this weekend was a huge frenzy of emotions.  You know when you have an imbalance of neutrons and electrons and suddenly you have Hurricane Huey? Yeah, like that. Its like, when I'm full of energy and want to stand, but my legs are tired, so I cannot...that frustration. It's of a different sort, this frustration. A lot of parties this weekend: I swam for the first time in a long time at a pool party.  That was so fun.  At the bonfire was a firewalker.  That was interesting.  Then there was an Eviction Party which was also fun, at first; until I suffered a hormonal imbalance of some sort and a number of realizations that had me bawling like a baby. Yeah. An interesting weekend it was. My "mestfriend" (male-best-friend) - you read it right, sold his house finally, so he's outta here all too soon. Which was the huge part that lead me to the tragic bawling I had done...I totally went no-holds-barred in my car, (thinking no one would find me-I was wrong..)  I was rescued by this hero, and was comforted by words that no man had ever cared to say to me before.  For me, it was a truly special- though twisted with drunkenness and emotional hoopla. The next day had there was fun and chipper card playing and a “21 Year Birthday-“I will forever be in love with Tokyo Ice Tea.  One drink on an empty stomach, and not only will you be buzzed-drunkish like a mother for 5 bucks, but you will also wake up with a satisfying hangover.  We lost our last baby that night, happy birthday to Todd. Last night I rescued an old friend.  My sister’s ex.  He is in terrible, terrible shape.  He can’t stop thinking about his mistake in destroying his relationship with her. He was about to sleep on the street just to wait for her arrival so he could talk to her.  At my bedtime, I found myself driving and consoling the poor fellow, all the way to his home in Chula Juana. With every mention of her name, a slue of tears would run down his face.  If ever a lesson learned about cheating, he was the most perfect example of the consequences.  He learned one of the hardest lessons of all, love. And that’s what makes me kind of sad.  A thought occurred to me.  In my life, when things are looking beautiful, and I am happy, and I’m beginning to learn what love might feel like, it’s swept away from me by what seems to be a divine force; almost protecting me from love- because it is volatile and requires perfection in the timing, situation, and the right combination of two individuals with individual expectations, goals, beliefs, and minds. I mean, I’ve had times in my life where I thought I felt love and was certain I was feeling it…but I so easily forget and doubt that I’ve truly ever felt it-because I forget or because it is confiscated prematurely.  Maybe I am cursed, and the man who I am meant to love, will either keep me chasing, or I will never know him, or maybe I’ll never…see him again…I don’t know.  I think I’d rather stay positive and think whatever will be, will be.  It’s less painful and less stressful. Both emotions kill-and who wants to die?  Not I.