Saturday, July 23, 2005 All Mine.

Woke up this morning feeling slightly uneasy, maybe a little anxious...and I have no idea why. This blog is for me.  I feel like I have been treating someone coldly for all the wrong reasons.  I feel so terrible. I  hope I haven't really hurt anyone and that this is all in my head.  I am sorry.  I don't know what has come over me. Every word matters. Now, I'm angry at myself...because I don't really know what is bothering me...and I can't talk.  The way I have been acting does not reflect the way that I truly feel.  I am sorry.  I know I said the blog was for me...and it is.  These things are all that I would say...and should have...and will. Last night my friends were over.  I take joy, comfort, and strength from them.  I shine when they're around.  But I still miss the old days when our bond was tighter, and no one hated each other, and we were without a care in the world.   Things are different  now and may never be the way it was again. Why is it so hard to accept?  Why?  I would be so much happier in life if  I could only accept all these changes.  If I could let go, whenever they leave- my house, or for a place where I'm not invited, or the state even- without a heavy heart...if only I could.  With me seemingly draining as a syphon to an oilwell of their life-forces, I can't blame them for leaving me.  LoL. I'm like a little girl and my friends are all mine! And I don't wanna share with no one, or nowhere, or no how...hahaha.  I am stupid, this I know. I think I figured out what was bothering me.  And now I can go back to sleep feeling a bit better.  Soon, it'll just be me and the legion of ants that raid my kitchen; partying...whoa is me.