Sunday, September 04, 2005 It's Just the First Day

I am overwhelmed with a restlessness that cannot be tempered. It’s almost like I want to go out and do something, but I don’t; I just want to stare at the ceiling.  Tears stream when I flashback to the moment in the airport…then memories, recent ones and old, start dotting my mind, causing spurts of yet, even more tears.  Breath is hard to keep, being that my chest feels as though a heavy weight was set upon it. I look forward to time passing slowly, for days, months, or…I don’t know.  Thus, a chronic anticipation has made its home in my heart as well.  I do smile. I smile at my loved ones that surround me.  I laugh at their jokes. But, it’s different today.  For, when I go to my room- the computer chair is empty, so is the left side of the bed…and it’s so silent.  But an aura still lingers of what was there, only a few hours ago—an energy that I fear might fade away too soon.  So I sit there; without strength or the will to do anything else. I feel the sting of every hour, as they pass like a swinging pendulum in a surreal dream. It’s just the first day…I close my dampened eyes, in hope that the best will win.  That is all I ask.  That is all I want.  That is what I tell myself…even though I know what I really want.  And maybe it is selfish. Oh well.  It’s just the first day… I exhale in hopes of even a short moment of peace, before I think about the airport again, when the world disappeared as I buried my weeping face in his chest before he entered the gates that I was not allowed…where I said goodbye to a very beloved best-friend.