Monday, April 26, 2004 WTF

The events of the evening were rather disappointing. I don't understand it sometimes. You figure that you're a good person; you treat everyone with respect, empathize with them, and do your best to show them that you are a worthy friend. You try to show them that you are sincere and that you are someone in whom they can instill trust.    I always thought that the golden rule was as purely honest as the phrase entails. Suddenly, I'm feeling like a naive fool. Suddenly, I feel like I missed the memo on how we no longer care about how your actions can hurt someone...forever even-because people don't care that much about you. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person left in the world who holds friendship in high regard.    I've always felt that all the elements of friendship are compounded to form something so amazing that it’s hard to understand how we imperfect humans can even engage in it.    I don't know anymore. I think I trust too much, too easily. I'm stuck in this world where I actually live my life making sure not to let my actions affect and permanently scar someone. Hurting someone, anyone, because of your negative actions just doesn't seem worth it to me. (Unless, under many circumstances, that person justly deserves it.)    Do I have one hell of a conscience or what? Is it possible to care too much? Isn't that a thought? If we were all just made aware of the subsequent and negative events that happen because we too easily do not care, we would probably give our actions more thought. How selfish we are.    Wtf. For a long time I've suffered because I cared. It seems like I really should quit giving a damn. Then again, the pros usually outweigh the cons...Don’t they? Shouldn't they? Well...not lately. But, who am I to say what I've gained and what I've lost being the way I am. No one knows why things happen. We can guess...maybe to learn and then apply perhaps. Or, it can probably be as simple as finding out who your real friends are. It sure does hurt though. It especially hurts more when you care more.