Saturday, April 09, 2005 Tragic

06:31 am I wake up to the view of the overcast morning, and it's light, trying to recall how I got here. Ah, shit....that's right. I had one hell of a shitty night.    A bottle of vodka, cigarettes, the internet, the phone, and plenty of tears left me alone and to wake to the morning sunrise.    It felt all right, until the memory of last night reminded me of its pain, and I fought the sensation of tearing to avoid bringing it all back.    What happened last night, and why did I break down so miserably? It couldn't have been the vodka, I drink that all the time... or the cigarettes... It think its because it was a Friday night (Day 2 of my all too short weekend)and I had slept Day 1 away because of exhaustion ( I also missed an invitation to a get together that day because of sleeping). Therefore, I was very restless by last night, to get out and have fun, as usual...to blow off steam and be in the company of good friends-that, is not what happened at all.    (in no particular order) I called Friend 1-he was heading for a show in La Jolla, that I planned on seeing tonight with the girls, and so he was indisposed. which automatically cancelled out Friend 2- who is in that show. Friend 3- was in a show as well, and never replied to my messages. Friend 4- had plans of going to a party with a co-worker, I understood that. Friend 5-Had no idea what to do Friend 6-Same as Friend 5. Friend 7-Was working on his show at the college Friend 8-Went to watch a movie with another dame and some gay dude...and surprisingly didn't invite me...hm, made me realize a few things. Friend 9- I called, at the Living Room, and he told me he'd call me back if something was brewing-but he never did. Guess nothing was brewing. Finally, Friend 10-simply sent me to voice mail.    There I was, on my patio, bored and feeling rather rejected, drinking and then crying. Crying so terribly...it reminded me of my best friend last week. Then I suddenly felt incredibly pathetic, so I started drunk-messaging people. Ugh...it was tragic...the memory of it...sigh... Thankfully, my best friend calls me back and invites me to a party. I love her...and I'm so terribly greatful that she is in my life=). Then I fall asleep...and missed out on the party (I feel shitty about that) and 3 phone calls. Out of control.    Boredom, rejection, and lonliness, must affect me harder than anyone else I believe. Because, normally I battle it to the death, and overcome! I take it by the horns and get out there...but, I think the reason for last night, is because I felt all three in one smash. The bottle of Vodka didn't help, either.