sigh...
ill always wonder what it would be like if i just dropped everything and booked for LA.
some of my friends have done it...or moved somewhere else anyway.
i just fear starting over in a new town. a very shallow minded town. being so far from family and friends....im so hesistant because i know if i do this, i will be alone. alone for who knows how long...before i become as comfortable with a new set of people. loki has got to come.
i was lucky when i moved out to east county, to have developed some strong bonds. but i have the feeling this is a rare thing.
still, i do lack the skills of opening up to other people probably because of my military background, where all the real relationships were built amongst family. san diego is the place where i've lived the longest. its like, i never knew what it was like for someone to really know me, develop a powerfully true friendship and vice versa. i am, by default, sort of a loner i guess.
i cant live in the shadows of my dreams...
even though im comfortable, i dont want to be in this same place forever.
i wanna see what its like to live independently and doing what i love. i wanna see if i can make it, if i have the stuff that it takes.
im just getting older. i know im still young blah blah, but time's a'tick'n regardless. and it never will stop. one year will become ten, and it will just fly by.
i find myself to be a catastrophic thinker at times. where i despise memories for reminding me of all the goodtimes, during the times when things are less as good. and for reminding me that all things pass...the goodtimes are especially hard to accept.
when im enduring a memory-worthy moment, a small part of me withers in meloncholy awaiting the demise of the moment...and it's metamorphasis into just a memory, one to remind me of better times, and leave me in its dust.
i could always be passive and say: "if its meant to be, it'll be." but there's also that other saying that you have to take some risks and ''follow your heart."
what the heck man, if i wanted a confused person's advice, i'd talk to mac about all this.
JUST KIDDING. (but only about the mac part.)
otherwise...i dunno.
No comments:
Post a Comment