It's almost time to go back to the big city. I'm excited and I feel like I've got a lot of catching up to do.
I'm really glad I had the chance to come back home and I'll tell ya, if it were only possible to be an actor here in San Diego, I would stay.
The thing is, I have a really good acting class and job in LA. That class is full of people who have my same dreams, already gracing the small screen (a few on the silver screen). I should be with them, devoted to only one dream.
I'll admit, I'm probably too messed up to handle another lonely stint, but I see no other way. This is my attempt to accept my fears:
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of being sick and helpless.
I am afraid of letting people down.
I am afraid that I won't have enough faith to make it.
These fears are probably what I'll have to face in the sprawling city of dreams because they get in the way of my super objective.
These are the fears that ruined my first try.
I need to change my outlook, if only I knew how. If only I had someone I had faith in to join me. I've always been a team player...and now, I have to stand on my own...again.
In San Diego, I'm surrounded by strong-minded, strong-spirited people. In LA, I'm surrounded by individuals, though also strong-minded and sprited, they are content with their own agendas. I thrive on partnerships...but I will have no partner up there.
How will I manage?
There is no law that says I'll end up alone again. I know this. I know people there, I just have not had the chance yet to build relationships. Maybe this time, I can focus on that. This time I can focus on my health, physically and mentally.
The last few months in LA, I thought I had started doing this, but I was knocked back down to being a dependant, sickly, depressed girl-to the point that I had to run back home for refuge.
This last month, that is what I will be thinking about: making myself strong enough to stand on my own again.
As my acting teacher said, I either fucking commit, or get the fuck out. That is LA.
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