Yatta! (A Series of Vents ), Jan 2, 2008, Day 17:45 PM

(I've got it!)

I resented this break at first.

To me, the whole reason for our misery was that I was unsatisfied that you didn't want to sacrifice what I was willing to sacrifice to make our relationship work: visits, money, and quality time. Suddenly, demanded I stay away on New Year's day and then pull the idea of a break out of your hat!? All this meant to me was more lack of  your ability/want to sacrifice those visits, money, and quality time. I thought, when I wanted a break for other problems we had, you didn't let us; but now that you want one, I'm supposed to respect your demands!?

If I didn't understand...I would have been mad, naturally. I felt unloved and neglected to begin with. Then, you decided to push me even farther away with this break which made me even angrier.

But, in the end, the break has truly been insightful, and you were right. It lead me to realize what our true problem is.

We're failing because I need a lot of support for this transition, but you're not strong enough to support me, because you, yourself are suffering (job, building a safety net, missing me.)  So, my frustration has been that you cannot be my rock at this time.  We're two weak people, drowning together. And, I've been angry for something that I now understand.

So who will pull us out?  The answer is: every man for himself.  We need to look towards the shore for the hands of our loved ones that are reaching out to support us.  I didn't know they were there until I asked, and I was surprised at the amount of people that were waiting for me to call to them for support.  My gratitude and love for them is beyond life.  We also need to build our individual inner strength, and be happy with ourselves, before we can support each other through our living situation.

Now I realize that we are the same and that we both need outside support and inner strength to be able to provide the support we need for each other in our current separated situation. Being apart, weakens us.  Our state of mind before this would have continued to hurt what we have.

We can see this as a negative relationship issue. But it isn't; it makes perfect sense. So, we can now make adaptations with our behavior, attitude, and outlook.

I can finally stop being frustrated at you for what I thought were your short-comings in our situation because I share those short-comings with you. We are alike in that, being apart is unnatural to us, and makes us sensitive towards each other, frustrated, and lonely.

Hm.

Good call, sweetheart. I'll see you in a few days.