It occured to me how dangerous this was. He has my deepest confidence over anyone I know...and if he's not there, then I will have no one. It is the unfortunate truth that I am not close to anyone at all anymore. I have trouble getting close to people in general. And, he has been the only person I've met, other than my sister, who really understands how I tick; and would actually drive out in the middle of the night, during a thunderstorm to get me if my car broke down....well, no.
He would either be drunk or sleeping, in truth, but he's probably the only one I would feel close enough to call in a situation like that (other than my sister or something). It's also unsettling the the closest person I have can't be counted on for support in situations that require some effort on his part, or gets in the way of his drinking schedule.
Anyway...it scares me. What if we can no longer work it out as lovers? Would my only real connection to someone go with him? The sad answer that I've realized is, Yes.
I'm scared of losing him...more as a friend. But, if I lost him as a lover, all things would change, and it wouldn't be the same. So, am I putting up with more things, and suffering through more things, than a person who has more close relationships would because I have no close friends?
I am going through a hard time in my life right now; just, meagerly making it by, and relying on optimism to motivate me through each day. I really value his willingness to listen to my often repetative complaints about my tummy troubles and anxieties that most aquaintences would shun me for.
But, its not right, nor is it fair to either of us, if I am forcing a smile, whether I am happy in the relationship or not, just to have him as my bestfriend. When the hard days come around where I am sure we can't make it as a couple, I throw my needs as a girlfriend out the window, for the fact I need his friendship. If this is what I'm doing...it's absolutely wrong. But, in my state, I can't even imagine telling another guy all the crap that comes with me...my confidence is shot.
But, am I willing to be utterly alone to admit truth in the possibilty that I cling only to his friendship?
Alas, I have far too many problems to be capable of admitting it. To be alone right now...would just kill me.
So, I am trapped. I'm not willing to analyze it further, because the possibilities have too much of my soul at stake.
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