Wednesday, September 14, 2005 iMMA BALDY

AHHH! the haircut lady gave me a baldspot! AHH! 

I will cover it up with eyeliner! oh, the tears!  I need emotional support! oh woez! woe is me!!

THE HORROR

(I need to learn how to simply put pictures in a blog...any tips?)

 

Monday, September 12, 2005 shallow post, dont read if you are intelligent

jeeus,,this weel was fuckin crazy. but im thankful..shit, im drink, and that sux because last night my friend got busted...and i shoulda taken a hint. but dude, let me tell yah, today was mostly fuckn boring so i had to go to the bar with my beloved friends.  i drank with todd and that bitch is hardcore.  but i drive so good, so no deal there. shit...i was outstandingly bored this whole week, ive been jogging for fun. joggng for fun gadddamit!! who does that?! but even then, my friends, the know the dealio. they must be bored too, and thus this comadre.  man. i could use a burrito, but shit, i dont need it. nobody wants a fatty! im so glad i dont have to work so early tomorrow...but i still hope it goes fast, the shift that is. wow. had a good time. i sang "somewhere over the rainbow" cuz you know why? cuz, the pot of gold lies there thats why, but its hillcrest, you sing rainbow songs there, you know? you know what im saying? its so tiring to pay attention to grammer right now. im lazy enough as it is. i was depressed and bored today. lame. i even jogged. but i forced myself to get out there. and i dont regret it. if it werent for my friends...where would i be? i have no idea. now work? shit. that sux. i hate work. i wanna be  rich, and never work again-- hmpf! thats what i say to that! hmfp! man, i shoulda been in saigon. that's what all my theater buff friends were saying....but whose fault was that?! eh. imma go to bed. i've wanted too since eleven-- then i conviced myslelf to go out...shiet. i need some sleep goodnight. i love nailah! she was so wasted, she's so funny. and todd- kicked my mofurken ass tonight. made me follow his gahdforsaken footsteps. shit! a moth is buggin me!!! god forbid it is white! god forbid. ask me, ill tell oyu about white moths. ok, i love you, bye bye

Monday, September 05, 2005 Spit

i smoked a filter by accident, so i wanted to spit and it landed on the side of my sweatshirt as i was driving, totally couldn't reach outside the window, gross. as soon as i got in the car, i ended up not very far, so i pulled out a bottle and turned up the throttle and caused some illegal war... muthafuckindickpussyshitandsnot GOODNIGHT!

Sunday, September 04, 2005 It's Just the First Day

I am overwhelmed with a restlessness that cannot be tempered. It’s almost like I want to go out and do something, but I don’t; I just want to stare at the ceiling.  Tears stream when I flashback to the moment in the airport…then memories, recent ones and old, start dotting my mind, causing spurts of yet, even more tears.  Breath is hard to keep, being that my chest feels as though a heavy weight was set upon it. I look forward to time passing slowly, for days, months, or…I don’t know.  Thus, a chronic anticipation has made its home in my heart as well.  I do smile. I smile at my loved ones that surround me.  I laugh at their jokes. But, it’s different today.  For, when I go to my room- the computer chair is empty, so is the left side of the bed…and it’s so silent.  But an aura still lingers of what was there, only a few hours ago—an energy that I fear might fade away too soon.  So I sit there; without strength or the will to do anything else. I feel the sting of every hour, as they pass like a swinging pendulum in a surreal dream. It’s just the first day…I close my dampened eyes, in hope that the best will win.  That is all I ask.  That is all I want.  That is what I tell myself…even though I know what I really want.  And maybe it is selfish. Oh well.  It’s just the first day… I exhale in hopes of even a short moment of peace, before I think about the airport again, when the world disappeared as I buried my weeping face in his chest before he entered the gates that I was not allowed…where I said goodbye to a very beloved best-friend.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005 Parking Lot Action

Nothing like some good 'ol Living Room Parking Lot action! Ha! Last night, I went there with two of my best friends and drank like a fish in the infamous solitude of that place.  Not a seeing-eye around! (It's the Blind Center parking lot, lol)) You know, I can have the best time with just those two alone.  There was nothing but the three of us and our stories, and our boozing, and our want to chill out, no matter what the consequences.  Especially the consequences that I knew I would face, with work at six in the morning the next day.  We pretty much got plastered over a large bottle of vodka and a bit of gin. At least I know I did and knew I wouldn't make it to work the next day. We ran into a group of hip hoppers hot-boxing and they proved to be interesting.  My other friends were also at Living Room and I stopped by to say hello to them. I was so drunk later, after getting home, that I swore I spoke to someone, not knowing who, when I probably spoke to no one at all. Ha! It must have been the demon with the curly hair, that visited me that one time.  My friend was also incredibly intoxicated, to the point where he watched the Christopher Walken music video, were he dances, over and over again, and fell asleep with suffering grimace on his face. Such a "handsome man." It's true. You know, it's not about the drinking-the fun that we had.  It was about friendship.  For the two, especially, a deep-rooted one...and for some odd reason, I felt like I belonged there.  I was a part of them, as they are a part of me.  It's real when we hangout. I cherish that. We will be having a, what might be really big, Farewell Party for that friend on Friday.  With the chemistry that was felt that night, I'm looking forward to it being grand. Man, these two...what if I had never met them? There would be a huge void in my life.  I had a great time, and I will greatly miss this- when our partner heads outta here.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 Trust Time

I need to stop now. I cannot believe myself.  I can't really reveal myself either because, I guess, I'm ashamed.  But, the worst part is I shouldn't be.  I am not supposed to hide my feelings or thoughts because I'm afraid to be thought of as lame, or annoying, or just another girl wanting stuff all the time.  But that's where I come to this conclusion... I should be able to say what I'm thinking and it should not be pointless, degrading, or shameful to me.  I should be empathized with and cared about, understood, and thought of. Until then, I will always just be fooling myself. Also, I think I believe in what I want to believe in all too much. Then, based on that, I create this facade that brings me happiness. When I discover that I am wrong-I get hurt. Boy, that's a real curse; a cycle-the worst kind of curse. Sadly, I think to myself that I had created something that I knew was going to be difficult and hard on me, but now I'm in too deep to do anything simple about it; simple for myself, because it seems that I'm the only one who seems to care about it. I think in time, I will become more aware of how things really are, or were.  I can't wait for that to happen...because each day that it takes to get there, I'll be here...and it's lame and painful.   However, I trust Time.  Sometimes it is the only remedy. My only comfort is that I've been here before and can almost predict the outcome.  I should believe in what I already know. Heck, that's the point in life, right? Learn from the past and your mistakes, history repeats itself, and so on... I still hope, though continue to remain doubtful. Trust Time. That's the only constant in this whole fiasco.  I shall wait for Time to tell.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 Adventcha!

I hadn’t written about my vacation yet, I feel I should allot some time and effort to it, because it was just that good.  It started last Sunday. Palm Springs was all I could ask for from a vacation: fun, swimming, food, and lots of booze, lots of friends, video games, Trivial Pursuit, Sardines, Murder, closeness and laughter.  Though the air was arid and hot, a storm blew in to saturate us in its humidity midweek.  An entire week all about fun and goodtimes.  Getting home was depressing and most of us felt the hard reality of real life strike.  Life would be hardly worth living, if it weren’t for moments such as these. As the work week progresses, sometimes I return there… Friday, was my first Halo 2 Party---I know what you’re thinking---and it was a whirlwind of enjoyable moments.  There was enough liquor to stock a bar, enough people for a large party, and enough Xboxes to host a large multiplayer Halo 2 game (and some DDR plus a couple of other party favorites.)  The host impressed me with projector, allowing people to play with an enormous screen.  I had my friends, I had video games, and I had lots of booze, who could ask for more? Saturday, out of curiosity, we ran into a few old buddies at Cathedral, at the Monkey.  It was a very chill evening of frolic and good company. There it is in as tiny a nutshell as ever.  The entire week was one sweet, sweet adventure.

Monday, August 15, 2005 Hopeless Romantic

i just watched "The Notebook" and I cried and cried and cried and cried... those who still hold hope for romance: beware.

Monday, August 15, 2005 SO....apparently I am a "Hornball..."

So skrew me- I mean YOU! I mean- so SUE me! ::vacuum cleaner sound begins whirring::

Sunday, August 14, 2005 The Seventh

I'm so confused to the point where I feel like running sometimes.  I want to run not only to protect myself, but also to protect those I care about. I hardly believe in depending on the honesty and loyalty of others anymore.  I believe that every man is the same, and because of that, easy to predict.  I believe chivalry is dead.  Most of the time I am right, and that is the scariest thing of all.  Perhaps, my mother thought correct of me.  I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want to be there.  Because I do, very much so-and bask in all its goodness.   I want to believe that I can trust people, that maybe not everyone is the same, that I don’t have to worry anymore. I suppose this ideal can only exist in a perfect world, but can’t there be a little order in the chaos that we live in?  This night, I pondered if I could really be wrong this time, and everything is trully as it appears to be...wonderful.

Saturday, August 06, 2005 He Will Lick Clit for Beer!

 

I went to a cool party last night.  It was Dirty Dan's Birthday.  I had a really great time! 
How do you know someone like Dirty Dan?  You party a lot.  When you do that, you will definitely run into the bastard one way or another. Strange...it seems that every publicized party-the man is there.  Last night he turned twenty.


It took us long enough to find the place, and talking to Dan and his friends was not helping any-they were already intoxicated.  I had busted at least 10 U-ies.  Luckily, one of Dan's friends was still in his right mind and beat Mapquest to pulp.  Before getting there, we had stopped to get booze at the nearby 711, where I held a conversation with an odd stranger over milk allergies and sinus problems...interesting.  The fella was conversing with the clerk beforehand, and then I came, talked with me forever, and went back to the clerk. 

He must've been lonely or something.

We finally got there.

There's nothing cooler than a party with a lot of social friendly people and a keg. My two friends and I got there, knowing hardly anyone.  So we did what we usually do-guarded the keg (and drank from it constantly, of course.)  There was this chick there who had drank one too many, and was giving us a show of her best regurgitation.  Fantastic.  Eventually, we started migrating around, checking out the scenery and all the people.  The place was decorated with chalk banners and signs, all reading random obscenities about Dan.  People were scattered about.  I met an Italian that didn't know what a Cannoli was, a football player, a man who can do the "Beyonce Booty Bump" (he, totally, tried to teach me), a dude named Drunk, another Dustin who made me "Tap Tap" my chair, Dirk Diggler (looked like Josh Hartnett to me), a gal with the best blouse, and a brave lightweight drinker-who dared to take vodka shots with me and the football player (pfft!) There was a slue of other people there too.

Also that evening, in their neighborhood, was another "Bro Party" a block away.  We were about to gather ourselves into a mob and trash it, until we heard wind of neighbor complaints...some folks went anyway; some went for beer, Dan went to talk trash. lol

So much fun, so much drinkin- my friend even busted a fucking keg stand!  That was funny and he held the winning title for Longest Keg Stand-what a Reet=) Need I tell you who he is? Psh...Take a wild guess.
Then we went to another party (of course I didn't drive-whatever) at the lightweight's house, for more drinking and hanging out. Everyone was in a great mood; enough for some hands to be held, come-ons to be made, and  green flags to be thrown- but no feelings hurt because it was no one's fault and one smile belonged to just one person, only=). Later, we brought lawn chairs outside and drank in the parking lot for more good times.

I wish my numero-uno-galpal made it=).  Her willingness to meet new people really made me happy.  But she is Miss Popular (duh!-she's so hot), and, not surprisingly, had another party to attend to first.  She almost made both-hell, I wish I did. Party all the time!

My weekends are more fulfilling now, than ever.  There are a lot of birthdays in August. Parents need to keep that coming-year round if they can help it=) Bang! Bang! Bang!

Wednesday, August 03, 2005 Bipolar Bear, get it!? Haha!!

A bipolar weekend: Fun, laughter, swings, and tears, man.  Out of control. Maybe it’s because I have a lot on my mind, a lot to gripe about, and then a whole lot to smile about, but this weekend was a huge frenzy of emotions.  You know when you have an imbalance of neutrons and electrons and suddenly you have Hurricane Huey? Yeah, like that. Its like, when I'm full of energy and want to stand, but my legs are tired, so I cannot...that frustration. It's of a different sort, this frustration. A lot of parties this weekend: I swam for the first time in a long time at a pool party.  That was so fun.  At the bonfire was a firewalker.  That was interesting.  Then there was an Eviction Party which was also fun, at first; until I suffered a hormonal imbalance of some sort and a number of realizations that had me bawling like a baby. Yeah. An interesting weekend it was. My "mestfriend" (male-best-friend) - you read it right, sold his house finally, so he's outta here all too soon. Which was the huge part that lead me to the tragic bawling I had done...I totally went no-holds-barred in my car, (thinking no one would find me-I was wrong..)  I was rescued by this hero, and was comforted by words that no man had ever cared to say to me before.  For me, it was a truly special- though twisted with drunkenness and emotional hoopla. The next day had there was fun and chipper card playing and a “21 Year Birthday-“I will forever be in love with Tokyo Ice Tea.  One drink on an empty stomach, and not only will you be buzzed-drunkish like a mother for 5 bucks, but you will also wake up with a satisfying hangover.  We lost our last baby that night, happy birthday to Todd. Last night I rescued an old friend.  My sister’s ex.  He is in terrible, terrible shape.  He can’t stop thinking about his mistake in destroying his relationship with her. He was about to sleep on the street just to wait for her arrival so he could talk to her.  At my bedtime, I found myself driving and consoling the poor fellow, all the way to his home in Chula Juana. With every mention of her name, a slue of tears would run down his face.  If ever a lesson learned about cheating, he was the most perfect example of the consequences.  He learned one of the hardest lessons of all, love. And that’s what makes me kind of sad.  A thought occurred to me.  In my life, when things are looking beautiful, and I am happy, and I’m beginning to learn what love might feel like, it’s swept away from me by what seems to be a divine force; almost protecting me from love- because it is volatile and requires perfection in the timing, situation, and the right combination of two individuals with individual expectations, goals, beliefs, and minds. I mean, I’ve had times in my life where I thought I felt love and was certain I was feeling it…but I so easily forget and doubt that I’ve truly ever felt it-because I forget or because it is confiscated prematurely.  Maybe I am cursed, and the man who I am meant to love, will either keep me chasing, or I will never know him, or maybe I’ll never…see him again…I don’t know.  I think I’d rather stay positive and think whatever will be, will be.  It’s less painful and less stressful. Both emotions kill-and who wants to die?  Not I.

Saturday, July 23, 2005 All Mine.

Woke up this morning feeling slightly uneasy, maybe a little anxious...and I have no idea why. This blog is for me.  I feel like I have been treating someone coldly for all the wrong reasons.  I feel so terrible. I  hope I haven't really hurt anyone and that this is all in my head.  I am sorry.  I don't know what has come over me. Every word matters. Now, I'm angry at myself...because I don't really know what is bothering me...and I can't talk.  The way I have been acting does not reflect the way that I truly feel.  I am sorry.  I know I said the blog was for me...and it is.  These things are all that I would say...and should have...and will. Last night my friends were over.  I take joy, comfort, and strength from them.  I shine when they're around.  But I still miss the old days when our bond was tighter, and no one hated each other, and we were without a care in the world.   Things are different  now and may never be the way it was again. Why is it so hard to accept?  Why?  I would be so much happier in life if  I could only accept all these changes.  If I could let go, whenever they leave- my house, or for a place where I'm not invited, or the state even- without a heavy heart...if only I could.  With me seemingly draining as a syphon to an oilwell of their life-forces, I can't blame them for leaving me.  LoL. I'm like a little girl and my friends are all mine! And I don't wanna share with no one, or nowhere, or no how...hahaha.  I am stupid, this I know. I think I figured out what was bothering me.  And now I can go back to sleep feeling a bit better.  Soon, it'll just be me and the legion of ants that raid my kitchen; partying...whoa is me.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005 The Con

I have been to overwhelmingly lazy and interested in other things to have writtten about my weekend. So, here it goes... Well actually, the biggest thing that happened was going to Comic Con! I went with my dearest and nearest friends. I love the Con.  This year I was fortunate enough to actually see famous people and take advantage of a few conferences.  In the past, all I did was peruse the marketplace downstairs, play games, and grab swag. My best friend and I made complete idiots of ourselves when we ran into Kevin Smith in the hallway. Googily-eyed, all she could say was, "I love how you support Degrassi!" as he was walking in the hall. He turned, nonchalantly, and replied, "Thanks," and kept on walking.  I, however, could do nothing, absolutey nothing, but freeze. The conferences where neat. We saw the world's fastest cartoonist, some insane constumes from all spectrums of imagination, I wanted an autograph from the Frankenstein of Adams Family,  there was a  Medieval melee Tournement (which was freakin' rad! I almost wanted to join.), terrible cartoons, NO Cowboy Beebop and I ran into a lot of ancient friends from highschool.  Oh, I saw a couple quilts too. Do you think quilts are hot?  I do.  Am I wierd? I think guys should really start wearing them. With black boots...yeah. Ok! There was also Tenecious D which was EFFIN awesome!  I love them.  The lyrics, the talent, the humor...out of control!  I will watch the movie, with Jack Black as my witness, I will! Then I went to the bar the next night with The Hoovers. It was a change of pace because I never join them there.  Sadly, I was insanly bored. I didn't drink because The Con had drained me of all my money.  So I was a sober gal, in a crowd of bubbly drunk people.  I loved that.  I was so sober, I stood in line and banged on the door of an empty bathroom stall.  Loved that.  The dinner at Santana's was better.  I laughed, because everyone was sobering, and learned a lot about linguistics. I had no idea that the Japanese actually, via brain signals, cannot differentiate the sounds of "R" and "L."  I knew they would mix it up, but not that their brains couldn't process the difference...verrry interesting.  Made me think about the Filipino "F" and "P," or other language barriers.  If I can't drink, I think I have to be indulged in truly intellectual conversation, or I will be angry.  LoL. Monday tied in to the weekend because I hung out with my two boy friends. (note the space.)  And we drank the way we used to, in the living room parking lot, listening loudly to 80s, because there was no one to call us out.  A Frenchy joined us too.  That was good times. Oh, the nostalgia.  One of the boys has hardly hung out with us lately, so his presence was pleasently refreshing.  Like gum. I like gum.  Do you like gum? Am I wierd to like gum so much?  Gum is good anytime, especially while playing cards....yeah. Ok! Well my weekend this was. Now off to work. With a massive bruise on my neck...which everyone at work noticed yesterday!  Two people loved how I was hiding it with my sweater.  Another gal showed me her "bruise." Two kids wanted to tell their mom's, and a mom, called me a lot of bad foreign words.  Then an entire room of people called me a slut.  It's a bruise dammit!  People can't get neck bruises anymore without being chastised!? What has this world come to?

Thursday, July 14, 2005 Phone Dead

Woah is me. My phone doesn't have enough memory to even turn on snd it's telling me to "contact retailer." My pictures, the memories, the penis, the old best friends, the men, the girls, the cats,  and the marriage...the good old days...may be gone forever....oh woah is me...my phone numbers... well there's always plan B and maybe a C. Two pieces of possible gold: SM card and Memory card may still hold an answer.  The demise: I believe most data was saved on the phone memory. hate to bore whoever is reading this. but i smoke a light cigarette and write upon a computer that can crash at any given moment. le sigh EDIT 10:09 PM IT'S ALIIIVE!! A few beeps and a hard long fight, the 'lil machine works again. Oh thank heavens.  Life is almost good again!

Tuesday, July 05, 2005 Farewell Oscar: an "Ofishuary"

This is hereby the official obituary, rather “ofishuary,” dedicated to a selfless companion, enduring trooper, keen-eyed predator, and powerful pest destroyer: Oscar, the Oscar. Living the once happy life as a husky and large fish in an all too tiny a tank, Oscar was hardy in his prime, a local celebrity, a General in survival tactics amongst even the worst living conditions, extraordinarily intelligent, and capable of devouring almost any trespasser in his environment. With a hearty appetite, he enjoyed eating roaches, meal worms, and Cichlid pellets. Outliving many other species of fish who had shared his tank at different times in his life and a spectrum of pH disturbances in his environment, Oscar was not a fish that was easily taken down by obstacles beyond his control. He was a soldier and fought for his life with the stamina of a hundred fish to the very hour of his death. On the fifth day of the month of July of the year two-thousand and five,  at approximately 14:00 pacific standard time, the four year old fish- survived by his owner, Jovi, sponsor, Kathleen, numerous Planaria worms, and harmonious as well as destructive bacteria that shared his world- died after an arduous fight with Hole-in-the-Head Syndrome.  One last water change was done to stop the inevitable to no avail. We bid farewell to Oscar this day, and send him off with love, heavy hearts, and best wishes, to whatever watery depths that honored fishes from this world pass on. Oscar Olivas : Born sometime in 2001-July 5th, 2005 R.I.P. Edit:That day, Mac and I tossed him into the icey depths of Lake Murray.  He was hard to sling shot into the lake, so he landed merely 6 feet from shore...but he's in his final resting place nonetheless.

Monday, June 27, 2005 My Dear Friends

Yes.  I know I just posted a really long blog a few hours ago...so what! I learned last week to fuck texting, fuck aim, fuck planning, fuck calling... The best thing to do is just show up....and they will come.......... Get this guys: two nights of card playing and ranting at the LR and at the LR parking lot, one visit to Denny's, and with all the wonderful people that I never see anymore. all last week,  just by showing up somewhere. And quietly too. I think I'll be going to the LR more often, and even more subtely, then I'm sure we'll run into each other so much, that we'll be sick of ourselves.

Monday, June 27, 2005 CAMP 2005

This weekend I went camping out in the mountains of Cuyamaca Lake.  I hung out with alcoholic heathens for a good twenty-seven, or so, hours.  It was fantastic.  I haven’t camped since I was 12 or something.  Getting there was interesting.  The forests were dark and ridged, and the hills were covered with blackened burnt trees, destined for the coupe de grace that only a chainsaw could give them. This scene was back dropped by an array of 80s music.  As soon as we reached the campgrounds, after a couple of u-ies, we waited for The Ranger to recover our lost reservations.  That took a good two hours or so, during which some of us purchased fishing licenses, gas, and told stories about eating dogs and animals with bones, while smoking next to a gas pump less 2 feet from the nearest door.  Such rebels that we were. Pitching the tent was an adventure in and of itself!  My friend brought his tent from home that we soon found was broken and missing stakes!  We had put that thing together rather quickly.  But to our dismay, the wind was blowing at 200mph and keeping the tent from not looking like a summer squash was impossible.  I was laughing the entire time.  My friend, on the other hand, was pissed and was a few wind gusts away from destroying the massive kite-umbrella of shelter.  We were lucky that eventually another friend was gracious enough to loan a few stakes, or it would have been car-camping for us two. The daytime was filled with fishing, roaming, shaking of piers, walking, dueling, bird-feeding, football, and oh- let’s not forget the drinking. Ha! Several fish were introduced to the garbage can that day.  My stomach filled with homemade sandwich wraps, Tat salad, chips and booze, I took my own stroll around the lake’s perimeters.  Everyone else was too lazy and uninterested with such “outdoors ness.”  But I was destined to ride a boat…and I went a ‘searching for the ones who were to give me that free ride.  I found them with the convenient room for one more in their kayak.  They’re names were Megan and Terry. Grabbing me from the tip of a lake peninsula, they taught me all about Turkey Vultures.  I was in awe. The evening brought the group to a massive gather; first at the grill, where the wieners and burgers roasted, and then at the solo picnic table that we claimed. We were all pretty much drunk and happy/angry by then; some morphing into funny drunken assholes, and others, into complete morons with death-wishes.  People were pouring wax on their nipples, eating vodka pickles, and playing all kinds of footsies. We were loud, potty-mouthed, and rambunctious enough for The Ranger to make an appearance; her little buggy- a covered wagon of threats.  It all began when I saw an obnoxious light in the distance, shining at me.  So in return I shined a moonbeam right back with my large flashlight.  “You’re shining a light at a ranger!” she boomed.  This sent a few to hiding; my friend being one. I searched for him after things were temporarily settled with The Ranger.  He had fallen asleep in the curl of his own theatrical trickery, upon one side over his pocket, meant to fake out any predators into reaching for his wallet and finding a drunk underage-er breaking the law. LOL.  The temperature had fallen several degrees bringing an icy chronic chilling to my bones.  I decided that I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself any longer.  Several people had already hit their tents by that time, anyway.  I decided to join the party.  That, or get hypothermia. A freezing cold hand awoke me for a furthered couple hours of more fun and booze (and special romancing, whoo!). It eventually turned into a telephone sort of game, amongst all the guys; yelling obscenities at each other from tent to tent.  (Things like, “GARBAGE DAY!” “PUNISH!” and “NAUGHTY THIS!”-From a movie we saw before we left the city- “Silent Night, Deadly Night 2” See it. Feel it. Get it. (the jokes)) In the morning, an annoying screeching bird got a blow of “PUNISH!” Oh, my belly, how it jiggles to the recall of these memories. The next day was packing and leaving time.  The waters were brown, but ever flowing, the sun beat down with a vengeance over the dead grass and gopher mounds that surrounded us, ducks shooting out pheromones from their "galores" and gangbanging every thirty minutes upon the lake.  Our bellies were full of pills, breakfast beer, Tat salad, as we filled our lungs with damp cigarette residue (which we tried to salvage from a puddle).  The grill smelled of shit and urine, and yet fed the tummies of a couple more people. ...Thus, marked the end of Camp 2005- and the The Ranger who contaminated our food grill with her droppings.  The end.

Thursday, June 16, 2005 CORN BEEF

Oh my freaking gahlbladder, have you  ever eaten corn beef?  I'm not talking about the can- I mean the thick slab of  beef that has been corned, corn beef!  I just ate me some of that, and I swear, the birds sang, the oceans crashed, and the earth shook to how good it was! Had it like an Irish folk too...surrounded by baby potatoes and topped with cabbage...man, them folk sure know how to grub! All right, time to wash it down with some booze! "Here's to eyes in your heads and none in your spuds!" Irish Toast

Friday, June 10, 2005 Funny Fat Girl Reprise and Something Else

Yesterday my friend almost killed me for using a term that she made household in the acting side of our friendship; almost chewed my head off. I didn't mean to be offensive, I used it with the same metaphoric quality that she created it with, with motives only to relate to her. I'm also confused about many things.  I can't read people.  So please, be as obvious as you can for me.  And if you feel that I'm lacking...maybe it's because I don't know what you want. If you know me, you know how slow to pick up I can be;  you know how I am with jokes.  I'm slow enough of picking up the punch lines on those...give me more clues. Hm.  My shoulder won't stop twitching.  I miss my two best friends...I was thinking about them a lot yesterday, for some odd reason, and about all the good times....

Wednesday, June 08, 2005 SHUDDER

never walk into a house when it is unlocked and your friend is alone in the darkness with someone of the opposite sex.  i guaruntee a shock. fuck.

Sunday, June 05, 2005 No Money Means No Cigarettes

I'm feeling rather reflective right now...that's one of the better times to write; when you're inspired.  And I just finished watching a movie that furthered that inspiration.  I think it was called "Everyday People."  I am broke .  I didn't break even with my bills and now I'm paying the price.  Ha Ha! Paying- that's rich. Anyway, for being as broke as I am...my weekend was fantastic.  I was able to see some of my old friends at the Living Room; played cards- something I haven't done in a long time.  Then, I went to this Hip Hop producer's house to drink and party.  That was cool. We ate his chicken.  At this party we ended up driving with the producer to La Jolla.  It was great that someone else had the wheel for once and I got to sit back and enjoy the scenery.  It never surprises me that a lot of places lose their familiarity when you change your perspective from front to back seat.  My God, how I have missed the ocean.  I always want to go to the ocean and enjoy its ambiance, but no one ever wants to go with me.  This time, I was able to see it and all its glorious vastness.  It was moving.  The water splashed coldly against my feet...it takes you away, you know.  I felt like I should have listened to my friend talk some more about his ex and their experience at the beach.  He started to talk about her again...I think he needs to.  It's healthy to have someone listen.  But for some reason, I couldn't do it this time.  Sometimes, I'm sad that the beach will never be the same for him anymore.  He'll always be thinking about her and their moment.  I subconsciously shrugged the conversation off. Anyway, we ended up driving around La Jolla for 3 hours, supposedly.  Well, I fell asleep, so I don't know for sure.  The producer bought us cigarettes and provided food and booze...God bless him. We stayed at his house until 8 in the morning! I have never had so much drama happen over dropping off a friend!  I got to his house to send him to his way...but the guy would not budge!  I kept yelling his name and shaking him, and the only sign of life that he would lay on me was a nod or two.  To avoid parents finding me sleeping like a bum in a car with their drunken son, I drove the car a small ways down the street and passed out with him until he could at least wake up to get to his door. They fed me the other day dammit...I can't be that bad influence. I tied a bandana around my eyes to shield them from the bright evil sun, and slept in my chair.  Aside from acting like he was waking up, he still wouldn't budge, so I ended up taking him with me to my house where we were harassed by my little brother.  Without surprise, we awoke around 7pm for some HOT SEX. Ha! Made you look. As soon as we woke up it was time to go watch a band play at a radio station!  Lordie, without ceasing, it was time to get busy again.  Still broke as ever.  And what do you get when the three of you are broke?  No cigarettes! Hello!  And there we were...bumming every smoker we could find.  The show was meh, but the after party was better! There we laughed and danced, bugged the neighbors, listened to music, ate gardenburgers, adventured the complex, got freaking drunk, got lost, and mingled with new people, and made out, some maybe had sex, and drank, and bummed smokes, and eventually slept over.  It was a party! No, really...it was.  It was a birthday party. I had a good time.  Finally- a party that I enjoyed thoroughly.  You know you had a party if you don't remember going to bed.  I do remember staring at the complex pool and the stillness of its water...that was cool. That party also made me review my old relations with my other friend.  Sometimes I think he hates me because he makes these mean comments to me occasionally.  Those comments make me think he is an insincere friend and make me want to never hang out with him again...because friends don't treat you like shit. Then, there are other moments where it’s great to have him around and we get along like good friends.  It's a real stir, my friendship (or forced connection) with this guy.  I don’t treat him like shit. Whatever. So then, here I am.  Still freaking broke.  No cigarettes. Suffering slight withdrawal.  Thinking of everything...and my other friends.  I wish they would party with me and all these strangers sometimes.  But they never want to. Sometimes I think that they just simply wouldn't get along with all the people that I met this weekend anyway.  I'm glad I did.  And I'm good. Good to go.

Saturday, May 28, 2005 YA YA YA

Blah.That's all.  I don't even wanna write anything, so why am I doing this.  I went to a party last night, I should write something, I usually do.  I also shoulda had more fun last night too.  It wasn't bad, until later when the drama began.  I mean, there was a ton of booze and a ton of people.I was able to put faces to names that I hear about in conversations. And it was fun. But I could have settled for my best friend's housewarming party when the drama ensued. I am sorry I missed that. But if I had left, I wouldn't have met some new people that did keep me company. Then I saw people making out and it was funny!  Then I saw other people looking like they were making out and it was not very funny at all. Then everyone was drunk and not me. My damn super liver...((noo I love you!)) Eh, you win some you lose some.

Saturday, May 14, 2005 BULLSHIT

I think I'm friends with the wrong people. And I am tired of being there when no one cares.

Sunday, May 08, 2005 Tada-Fantastico!

wierd. this dude came back from israel...strangeness.    so, weekend is gracefully coming to an end...i feel like i'm missing something. i hope it doesn't end with me feeling this way. it will definitely bug me on monday. i think what i must do today to make the weekend taper into a good place, is have a party or go to one or something! i dont know, we'll see.    thursday night, i went to downtown and denny's with my age old friends. that was good times. it was fun, particularly because my other friends were lame and went to bed. im getting used to that.    so then i spent friday in bed frolic-ing until there was a birthday party that migrated 2 times because of cops. we ran into dirty dan! who apperently knows everyone, and a bunch of college kids.    then we got drunk and watched some dude foam at the mouth for 3 hours or so. that was funny. he was about to pee in the living room.    a late saturday was in order. went to the living room and was startled by a black silouette...who turned out to be the dude from israel. so i called my man-friend to the rescue, tada-fantastico!

Monday, May 02, 2005 ...

I think one of my best friends will be leaving me soon- off to another part of the country...I'm starting to lose the battle against the meloncholy that I have been forcing myself to ignore. I knew this feeling would come and that it would be hard. Because it is. Even sitting in my cubicle, I get lost in the moments of sadness. And all the good times will become good memories. Just memories. Because I won't have him around to create those moments with me anymore. Well, the word "might" is still there...but, I don't know... I'd rather just face the music, you know.     He means a great deal to me. Its funny because he practically just fell into my life and a great friendship just blossomed on its own along with many fun adventures...almost without influence from anyone or anything. Our bond, just happened and couldn't be denied. He is such a wonderful and an extraordinary friend- and person for that matter. But, I always knew that about him, even before we got as close. And I wanted to take a role and play a part in the scene, at least before the curtains came down, you know.    I'm so sad right now... but I have been for a little while now, one small dose at a time. I want to believe that whatever happens is for the best. I know it will be. And I guess that's what I want, probably- because whatever happens will also be better for him too...and I know he wants better. The better, will win. And let it be. It just won't be the same without my weekend warrior, my partner in crime, my right-hand man...I will miss him.

Sunday, May 01, 2005 POSTAROONIE ROO!

POSTARIFIC! I had me some good times this weekend and now my stomach burns with its own acid...bah! Who cares. Mr. Pink Stuff to the rescue! But anyhow, what did I end up doing this time around...If I could just remember... Dang...its been 5 minutes with me sitting here trying to remember Thursday night (the beginning) but I cannot! Wierd...Hmmmm.    3 minutes later: Ok...I went to the girls' house on Thursday night a because they threw a minor get together ( I think).    Damn, I have suffered a serious memory lapse.    Yes, yes, this is what happened. It was a grand time, albiet my anger spike from watching a stupid movie there, called "13." Never watch that bullshit. It was pleasant and chock full of arousing conversations. The evening ended great and with only a few points over the pleasant morning after, spent with a good friend. Friday- Uhhh. Hm... Ohhh yeah! I went bowling, which was nifty because I hadn't done that in a long time. There was a bar too. I had fun doing that. Of course, I did terribly ( but still beat a drunken Tasha the first game, lol). And I broke two bloody nails. Fantastic.    The end of Friday night was lame. I went to find this party that was going on, only to see that it was over (and it took only three hours to end, who does that!?). So I was stuck in a parking lot with some friends, tired as a wheel on a car and went home for some sleepin.    Saturday- I went to a ghetto gangster party with my whitey tighty friend, Mac. He purposely turned himself into the whitest damn hick, to get a rise out of mah neccarows at the party. It worked. It made Huckleberry happy. And we drank Alize and hot-boxed in a Cadilac SUV, cuz we're pimp-tight like that, playa! Fun. Then we left for the party at my Shizzhouse! Nuff sed. No, I'm kidding. I beat people with a paper towel roll and cooked Hamburger helper for the orphans.    There were new faces amongst the old. One was a drunk horny Navy dude, and the other a rich Flip-white fella, who was nice. Then, I drank the Vod and rolled around in bed with a hottie! JK. Just fell into a warm, drunken sleep to be awoken, too early, by my loud mom and taught how to cook the fluffiest eggs by a Martha Stewart Fan, Alysse. This all is going into Sunday, though...    Today (Sunday)- Some Spike 'n Mike's with some buddies and then sleepin.' Now I am too lazy to go to the bar and I have work tomorrow. Fantastic. I'm loving the idea. Woo! Now that was a weekend. I am pleased=)

Saturday, April 30, 2005 Little Girl Sounds

This is so weird. My mom and dad are in the living room right now, laughing and joking with my two brothers...there's sound everywhere of family, echoing throughout the house, since my mom came in from out of town. It's a strange familiar sound, one that brings back happy childhood memories, and yet a strain of anxiety--which freaks me out a little.    I have only vague memories of these days from over half my lifetime ago. My emotions get tossed up in many different pieces, each piece landing differently in my mind, whenever I hear these familiar sounds.    My mom and dad still flirt with each other and play fight like teenagers...I'm exited for them and disgusted at the same time. They do it in front of me and I'm cringing in the inside, but smiling in the outside. Half of me wants them to get back together, but then the other half knows that it will never work out. And it's painful. It's so temporary.    Here is the perfect family that I thought I had when I was very small. There's lots of togetherness, laughter, love, and all that good stuff- the twang of Ilocano, their Filipino dialect, bouncing off the walls. The fact that I know these sounds will disappear again soon, and my parents affection will disappear, and the togetherness will unravel, tickles that part in the back of my throat that pushes the tears.    Long ago I convinced myself that things are better off as they ended up: the divorce, we supporting ourselves, our parents and their distant relationships with themselves, and us... I believed it was good to get the chance to grow up fast and become independent, FAST-because we were forced to. It made us stronger. We would never be where we are now. But I'm left with anticipation...looking forward only to the family's demise over and over again, whenever my mom comes in from out of town.    When she's here, we are that family from my childhood past: my dad is a good man, we are all the blessed happy kids, under the protection of a highly concerned mother---but she is leaving again...as she always did. And with her, the family- as it had ended originally.    Waiting for her to leave is the worst part. Then that same feeling I had, when I watched my mother carry all her clothes out to the car as she left my father, with me watching, floods me again- and I see the twelve year old girl, crying.

Friday, April 22, 2005 24 Hours Awake

So, I got drunk at a gay bar with my gay friend in a gay town, and guess what, I was perfectly gay at the end of the night! (Oh, and I have a cough. Sucky.)    Everyone wants to be gay! I know I do! Life is just too blue at times. I went to the Caliph, and actually sang "Somewhere over the Rainbow." LOL I contributed to everyone's gayness with that song, I tell ya! Then down to Bourbon Street we went. Unfortunately we missed the singing trio that showcases there. I didn't miss much, however-because I needed to go to the restroom pretty badly, and one of the dames was changing in there (taking so forever) and when she finally was done, the bathroom reeked of BO. Damn. As if the lady's room doesn't stink enough. Ok, ok...that was mean and uncivilized of me. But, my head still spins slightly and my stomach doesn't know whether it's hungry or sick...but I shall eat anyway.    I would like to take this moment to honor a day where four super humans stayed awake for more than at least 16 hours, two of which stayed up longer, because I had not written about this day yet. It started at Lestat's, where we learned a cool new card game! One for the ranks, in fact-called The Rock...lol Or Darrock or whatever. That was fun...I remembered a really cool cup game too...but who knows how to explain the cup game...not I.    Three friends stood outside of the coffee house feeling the night's powers dwindle and the anticipation of nothing increase. The streetlamp beat upon our heads, almost maliciously, as we stood out there, running out of words and hope. Boredom. Therefore, we left the place, and headed to drop one friend off at his bus stop-The Livingroom, where his mother is his bus driver. What ended up happening was an entertaining conversation about sour friends and a craving for 6am liquor.    The three left the Livingroom for some nasty Mexican food and alcohol to carry on the already long evening. It had to stay alive somehow! One friend suddenly rebelled and requested to go home and forfeit the drinking. So the party headed to leave her. At her house...the walls seemed to beat like African drums and the shadows started to come alive. There I was, amidst of what felt like a minor panic attack. I think it was the stress of a terrible hunger, stunted by a terrible burrito, and the need to do something, anything. Therefore we said farewell to the fledgling and headed to my house for some boozin'.    There we were, three kids, chock full of stamina, but not energy, playing Darrock on the roof under an overcast sky. And then it became California Monkey Spank; and then back to Darrock. Oh, the hours that whiled away as we played....apparently 9 or so, flew beneath our noses. But, we didn't care--we had beer, and Apple 99 (not really), and delirious laughter...the best kind. Kind of like, really good secret sex...that got caught. Damn.    Suddenly music began to play and the three danced and exercised their time away! Literally- I'm talking push-ups and sit-ups on my roof. It was pure frolic at that point. They were insanely tired and pumped full of mysterious energy that kept them moving, playing cards, and talking their lives away. The 24th hour of Wake was approaching, but the kids didn't care...until the pizza came.    Hot pizza, ranch, and Buffalo wings, to be precise. And watching My Cousin Vinnie on TV. It was time to sleep after that. Every last drop of stamina was then being used as fuel to digest the food they consumed and there was no going back. The alcohol was long, long gone. It wasn't enough anyway. The day finally came to its end. ...Another day of destined nothing...absolute something.

Saturday, April 09, 2005 Tragic

06:31 am I wake up to the view of the overcast morning, and it's light, trying to recall how I got here. Ah, shit....that's right. I had one hell of a shitty night.    A bottle of vodka, cigarettes, the internet, the phone, and plenty of tears left me alone and to wake to the morning sunrise.    It felt all right, until the memory of last night reminded me of its pain, and I fought the sensation of tearing to avoid bringing it all back.    What happened last night, and why did I break down so miserably? It couldn't have been the vodka, I drink that all the time... or the cigarettes... It think its because it was a Friday night (Day 2 of my all too short weekend)and I had slept Day 1 away because of exhaustion ( I also missed an invitation to a get together that day because of sleeping). Therefore, I was very restless by last night, to get out and have fun, as usual...to blow off steam and be in the company of good friends-that, is not what happened at all.    (in no particular order) I called Friend 1-he was heading for a show in La Jolla, that I planned on seeing tonight with the girls, and so he was indisposed. which automatically cancelled out Friend 2- who is in that show. Friend 3- was in a show as well, and never replied to my messages. Friend 4- had plans of going to a party with a co-worker, I understood that. Friend 5-Had no idea what to do Friend 6-Same as Friend 5. Friend 7-Was working on his show at the college Friend 8-Went to watch a movie with another dame and some gay dude...and surprisingly didn't invite me...hm, made me realize a few things. Friend 9- I called, at the Living Room, and he told me he'd call me back if something was brewing-but he never did. Guess nothing was brewing. Finally, Friend 10-simply sent me to voice mail.    There I was, on my patio, bored and feeling rather rejected, drinking and then crying. Crying so terribly...it reminded me of my best friend last week. Then I suddenly felt incredibly pathetic, so I started drunk-messaging people. Ugh...it was tragic...the memory of it...sigh... Thankfully, my best friend calls me back and invites me to a party. I love her...and I'm so terribly greatful that she is in my life=). Then I fall asleep...and missed out on the party (I feel shitty about that) and 3 phone calls. Out of control.    Boredom, rejection, and lonliness, must affect me harder than anyone else I believe. Because, normally I battle it to the death, and overcome! I take it by the horns and get out there...but, I think the reason for last night, is because I felt all three in one smash. The bottle of Vodka didn't help, either.

Friday, April 08, 2005 TEEEARS

OMG i'M SO TRAGIC RIGHT NOW!!! Its friday and all my friends are doing something and I'm here, doing shit... ((tears)) THis is going to be the worst weekend ever...I can feel it. I'm waiting for a confession...and it better come and I welcome the destruction to my heart that it is going to bring! I know its coming...that's how it aLWays ends... I'm out of my mind. I'm leaving--there always has to be a pathetic blog ok. Imma drink some vodka and make it go away. Goodbye....... I'm gonna go and bawl, have a good day.

Sunday, April 03, 2005 DOTTIE!!!!!!

Man, thinking about all the great things that can happen when a bunch of friends get together, you often think, crank calling...well, don't you?   Last night was an emo frenzy above all other things. We all started out in a cheery mood and laughter. Suckin' back on granpa's cough medicine and prancing around in our atmosphere was the name of the game.    Suddenly my best friend starts bawling! And, I'm talking BAWLING, (almost ridiculously, but it was kinda sad.) I comforted her and helped her draw it out even further by reminiscing of old days and old friends. That, of course, sent her to the bathroom to wail, like a banshee, in her drunken sadness, particularly over the best friend that we once had. So, it was time to fix things. I called that old friend up on speaker phone and let my friend do all the talking.    However, the person on the phone wasn't exactly who we expected. It was our old friend's mother (who is as crazy as a cuckoo, anyway). She was so frantic on the other end and kept yelling out, "Dottie!!!!" as if she was a having a heart attack. We were no help, on the other end, because we kept yelling back, sounding almost as looney. Ah, you had to be there to experience the pure hilarity that it was!    Eventually we got a hold (the third time we called) of that old best friend, who was frankly pissed off, and told her exaclty who was behind the whole ordeal...I crindged at that. I had been out of the loop with that girl for too long, I really didn't need my name mentioned...but I suppose she deserved to know.    Then, my other friend ended up sad and upset as well. Thankfully, things eventually got back to an even keel by the end of the night. A lot of us needed some sort of release, apperently. Which, just generaly makes me sad, knowing that my friends think they have no one to vent their pains to. And to that I say, I am here! DOTTTIIIEEEEE!!!

Saturday, April 02, 2005 The Bonfire I Never Had

Last night was pretty cool because; guess what, I finally had a bonfire! I was with a couple sleazebags that I picked up from Hot Monkey Love (jk, old pals), and 3 cases of beer.    It's funny because I originally went to play cards, old school, at the Living Room with my friends, but their night grew tired quick.    Therefore, I ended up at The Cafe, demanding money (someone owed me), talking to an older French friend, and listening to some band.    So, anyway, after a bit of chit chat---we left for Crown Point (as I like to call it). There we were, scavenging for wood. It seemed pretty hopeless, until we raped little saplings of their lives (the boys took a knife to the poles that held them, then uprooted the trees themselves), and (drinking beer) I often wandered to the bathroom, (which was a treasure trove of dried palm leaves). Also, my friend, who bragged to be Native American, trash-picked and weed-whacked with his bare hands to provide even more wood. It was amazing.    With all our team work- what started out as a few warm coals became a bonfire. And, what started out as a really cold night, ended up nice and warm! Drunk and delirious, happy and moody, the night eventually came to a great end...good times.

Thursday, March 31, 2005 I AM A BOSS Y'ALL

That's right. I command the fate of all unskilled San Diegans looking for the best pay they can find. Consider me the Master of Fate. I now conduct the interviews for my job. I determine which broke moFO gets to put food on the table, and which gangsta can finally afford him some dubs, B! I did my first interview today and denied a better life from someone (the lady was on crack), then hired this other gal that I interviewd...who now kisses the ground I walk on. HA!

Sunday, March 27, 2005 Blip(Edited)

I just wanna say----Easter was crazy! lol That is all. Edit Note- The weekend was really great. There seemed to have been a party every night...each a genuinely different crowd, and it was exciting... That is what I look for in the weekends. Spontaneity, magic, variations, ups and downs, push and pull, but all in balance---it's beautiful.    It's just sad that you have to suffer and slave the whole rest of the week to appreciate the such, but what else can you expect from a human being (who, too easily, takes such moments for granted). Gay bar, Trailer, Rap House, Boy House, Granny's House, and The Roof...Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, and Best Friends...<3    The company of my best friends on the roof, last night, encouraged a feeling that is so hard to hold, you just want it to last forever... Although my ass hurts from being bitch-whacked by everyone and am very lacking in sleep... This weekend helped make my upcoming work week, not as hard to take.

Saturday, March 26, 2005 Sigh

Am I just in a bad mood, or WTF?... Things have bored me all too easily tonight. I don't know. Well, nothing helped...maybe its just me. I drank and didn't get drunk, I partied, and still got bored, I called my friends, and they went to bed....lame. Maybe I expect too much, sometimes...I don't know. Is there a limit to having too much fun... When you try to make every living day a party, can normal life suddenly be the most boring thing ever? What have I done to myself then? Given myself ADD, that's what. Grr.

Friday, March 18, 2005 PADDY'S DAY

Ohh yes, it was St. Pat's Day yesterday!!! It was definitely good times all around. We all forgot to buy ingredients for Irish Car-bombs and that was probably the main disappointment because everything was pretty darn swell. It was the old gang (minus a few missed people...pricks! jk)    It was so funny because everyone showed up before me, practically, as I went on a run for liquor, shisha, and cigarettes. They had their JD and herb to keep them busy. But I got there...and then the partyin' began.    Lots of drinking occurred with 3 cases of Mickey's tall cans (we are high-class)-and vodka, madori, and jack. All the old alchy friends joined together for another night of revelry and shared vices. Everyone had decided it was to be a night to lose their minds...why must it be that way? Because, I said so!    Nai and I ended up hanging off the roof as Drop Kick Murphys was being played loudly in the room by Sir DJ Mac! The boys outside laughed and bonded drunkenly below, as couples made out in the living room (losing what virginities they had left, some of them). I got a few condom requests even! Good Lord, bringing the good old days back. The love!    Then, in an attempt to escape my overwhelmingly drunk state, I wandered off to the great outdoors for a stroll, in the arms of a dear friend. That was a truly special moment.-a moment that almost put me to tears.    The party slowly weaned itself and it seemed everyone ended up in bundles at the end of the night. To bed with me, alongside 3 other people, all cuddling like baby kittens for warmth as the alcohol constricted our blood vessels. Then a hangover morning started early with pizza for breakfast, Chappell, and more booze!! The remedy! Ahhh. It was a merry holiday for all.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005 GRR

OHHHHHHHHHHHH! Make iT STOP! The insanity!! Boy. Ten hour days can kill. I'm so restless and angry and tired and ee-i-ee-i-oh... Then shitty traffic!! and shitty music on the radio because i have no good cds and all my mp3s are broken! Tearz. How's about an afternoon hangover? Anyone the fuck down?!! Or are you just gonna run cuz its not your scene?! sorry. grumpy and hating things. ill get over it. St. Paddies tomorrow. Must make plans.

Sunday, March 06, 2005 ...

What distinguishes whether you are, dating, good friends, drinking buddies, or just friends with special privileges with someone? Does it take outsiders telling you? What if you happily fit in all of the above…then what does that make you? In a world where the meaning of any relationship seems to have lost value and trickery is rampant between the sexes. I wish I knew.

Thursday, March 03, 2005 Tongue

My tongue was hurting and so I ate some scolding hot soup and burned my tongue so it could be numb. I'm so very smart! Ah tee hee hee! there once was a girl in the snow she didnt know where to go so she ran for the hills searched for dollar bills and found them off some frozen ho Thank YOU PENIS! (ok thanks)

Saturday, February 26, 2005 The Visitor

It was Friday morning after a night of watching some zombie movie…my weary body finally lay to get the one and a half hours of sleep I so desperately needed before work the next day. My stomach had been empty for seven hours, but I was too tired to eat. I closed my eyes, lids cleaving through sleepy tears.    Sleep almost held me until I opened my eyes and noticed someone hovering over me…the silhouette resembled that of my friend: curly hair, so I widened my eyes in surprise. But, as soon as I did, I noticed its face grinning at me and it was not my friend! It was gripping my shoulders!    I shut my eyes immediately and wrapped myself tighter in my blanket. I did not want to open them no matter how much I wanted to examine what had just happened! My body was shaking and my heart pounded rapidly in my chest. After about ten minutes of silent horror, still wrapped in my blanket, I opened my eyes. There was nothing. No trace of anything- just me shaking and still dizzy from tiredness, hunger, and fright.    I attempted sleep again, but the panic kept teasing me until I realized I had to put something in my stomach and walk around a little to retain a grip on reality. I still don’t know if my strange visitor was just my imagination…or if it was something more ethereal…I left my light on when I went to bed the next couple of nights.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 "Sex With the Titty"...

...is what the series should have been called, LoL!!! Ohh, I slay me!    Last night I had a whole lot of welcomed sex with the titty. LOLOLOL It's called a night with the girls, (and Randy.) I love my female friends. They have slowed down their old party habits a great deal since I've known them, but a chill night to reminisce and laugh is always welcome in my life. Sometimes such a breather is what one needs to escape the daily grind. However, on a good night, the Hoovers can still come to life! It is the animal that exists and bonds us all together.    Looking back, I worried our ties had almost gotten severed in the recent past-but apparently, true friendship does stand the test of time. We can't stay away from each other. No matter how much each of us had changed. We went to TGIFridays and had some food and liquor and played a round of trivia. I suck at trivia. I lost of course; and Ashley won, yay!    A pang occurred when one of my best friends told me to hang out with them... (More I'm guessing.) She was right. We don't hang out as often as we used to. The problem with that is that I haven't grown up like they have yet. I guess it’s because I've been too grown up for the majority of my life that I ended up preferring this happy go lucky lifestyle of mine. But even if they party less and work more and sleep more...we can always come together at a restaurant and stew over a few drinks and a game of trivia.    Sex with the Titty, doesn't beat sex with the Willie, but it can be pretty close......ok I'm lying. But, one has to admit its pretty damn fun!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 Oasis!

Saturday night was tragic. I drove all the way to Santee to find that the party was over. So, my good friend and I started scavenging for something to do. This is what we found: So, my friend and I know this guy who owns this place that people smoke and play a lot of games and laugh and talk and watch "The Stuff." But, last weekend...we delved further into this guy's world and discovered what, we would consider, an OASIS!    The man has his own full blown bar! And, with top shelf drinks as old as my dad. I also met this awesome homo that would not stop making me laugh. Crest. I love it! Then we were introduced to four empowering horsemen. The next thing you know it’s a party! And people are rescuing you and hiding your purse. Then its time to go home and your driving in streets you've never driven before! I miss the way hard liquor knocks you and your memory the F out! But that is exactly what happened. Oh...once again...when a night of destined nothing had turned into something...

Saturday, February 19, 2005 Stupid Madness

im fuckin drunk FUCK. im sure this is boring for yall to read...so just freakn party w/ me instead of readn this bbulllshiot@@ PE3ACEP. I M STUPID I LUV UJ@! BYE BYE! ok...I wrote that intoxicated actually. this is an edit note, haha! a case of 30 beers was shared amongst 3 alcoholic people that night. readn this now, i feel like a retard. sorry about that=)

Thursday, February 17, 2005 Bad Dreams

Too many people have had a dream of me dying (God forbid). Let's see: Car crash... Brake problem... Gunshot wound... Noble death... Kinda wierds me out... They should all have post dreams and feel the pain of a life without me...and realize they love me so! Heh heh heh...

Sunday, February 13, 2005 Corporate Victim

I come alive on the weekends. Normally I'm in some zombie hibernation type of state. I saw some old faces, old spaces, and ass cracks...not good, but ohhh very, very bad. Let's just say there was a bitta adolescent shenanigans happening, in a good way. Oh, and new things are good too. My elbow aches as a reminder of what the weekend was. Sometimes I wish everyday was like my weekends...that's how it used to be and I miss it. Tomorrow is going to especially suck for several reasons. I just hope I wake up and oh, its Friday night! Yay!

Thursday, February 10, 2005 randomhead

my belly is full of overcooked spaghetti and sour sauce. ugh. but i was sooo hungry.    i auditioned for tv during my lunch. i ran in the rain for it. my chest was gonna explode, but i think they liked me.    my computer's sound isnt workin and i've tried it all...i am quite sad about that.    there are a billion little boys playing in the next room    the rain isnt sure whether to come or not....and my wrist is feeling the pangs of carpul tunnel. the pain. oh it hurts.    i cant wait 'till saturday. the midget sex room beckons me. im anticipating a grand lil time.    i am wearing my pajama pants with the shirt i wore to work.    im gonna dye my hair right now...i already got it cut. once it touches my ears, its time to choppity chop.    I DONT WANNA GO! DONT MAKE ME!!!...to this Bible study with my friend who invited me. she is my friend, how can I say no...not that i dislike the Bible or God or anything...I'm just too tired to have to listen to other people right now and their uneducated interpretations. bothers me.    then rehearsal. i will never sleep. im feeling pretty random in the head right now...can't you tell?

Saturday, February 05, 2005 Yes

Don't you love it when your night of destined nothing turns into something? yes, i do love that.

Monday, January 31, 2005 cRRRAzzzeH!!!

omg IM SO HYPER!!!! i dont know why, but i feel the need for SPEED baby all the way! is this whats called a run on sentence cuz the bitch is just runnin along, runnin that extra green mile baby, oh yyyeah! crazeh!! so crazeh rite now! HELL YEAH GIVE IT TO ME, i need the rush, i need the thrill, i need to go looney in the tooney all up in this crazy CRIZZOUSE playurr! HIP hop! MAKE YA jump! jump, KRIS KROSS muthAFUCKAHZ!!! party like a tiger whoo whoo! im feeling too HOT to handle, watch out NECCAROWS watchout!! watch ur back, POP UR COLLAH baby! ONE TWO CHECKIT OUT, too legit to QUIT PLAYURR! HOLLA!

Sunday, January 30, 2005 Church

Last night was pretty swell. Have you ever partied at a freakin abandoned church!? WTF who does that? Well, apperantly over at least 50 kids in San Diego did last night. freakn' keg and liquor at a church, my neccas.    Aside from my buddy who invited me, I knew hardly anyone. Heck, that’s why you meet people, right?    There was the two block walk, then music and beer, and rum, and beer, and people, and beer, and cars, and dancing, and vodka and then beer. Oh my God, it was so funny!   Last night, for a cigarette, I also made this guy do a back-flip for me! My powers were too great and he did as I commanded, LOL. Then there was this latino stalker who kept following me just ‘cause we danced for a minute! Aside from that, the people I met were all chill and easy-going.    Then there was Rite Aid, LOL. Drunk off our asses, my friend and I were having a swell time rolling on the concrete or something (my memory lacks at this point in my story). Why my friend and I chilled for an hour, like bums, behind Rite Aid is still a mystery. He practically had to drag my drunken arse, and his (with his powers), to my car just to make it home. But home was far, far away for a little girl like me to drive alone in my condition, so I ended up passing out to some movie and his house instead, intoxicated with bubbly water T’was good times again. Praise God.

Saturday, January 22, 2005 dAMMIT

i was having a hell of a time with my buddies last night....working the vodka playurr, you know! it was great- i was dancing around, smokin, playing all sortsa games, singing, acting lesbian with my girls-just being carefree and letting loose with all my very closest frens, you know...partying!    then, i wake up all alone (aside from 2 of my girlfrens sleeping in my room) and on the floor, violated...(my shoes were removed hahaha, thanks.) i heard people had placed some firewood on me for laughs. they would have done worse things, but they mercifully declined. (i wonder what they would have done)    i had passed out, slumped against a chair, with a blanket wrapped around only the upper half of my body, lol, and woke up to sisnlaw's complaining. so i went upstairs and slept with my girls who had raided my room earlier(freakin RAIDERS, jk)    sigh...i hate when i pass out! it just ruins all my partying plans. i really wanted the party to last much longer then that. i think imma go and cry real quick. TEARZ.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 Old Friends...New Memories

I had such great fun reuniting with all my old friends this last weekend. The experience was not only nostalgic; it helped remind me of who I was. It brought me back into my world, because I am far from it, all too often. It also helped listening to my friends talk about the old days partying at my house. I never knew my house had been such a powerful vessel that had impacted us all in ways we would never forget. It almost made me wonder whether I had forgotten how to have real fun. I vowed to myself that those days shall return.    The party wasn't at my house for once...which helped make the experience even more refreshing. However, the experience was very reminiscent of the way I used to party. All our vices were opened up to each other and we all enjoyed them together, the way we used to...without judgment. We were all so carefree and the bond among the crowd was almost divine. Even romance presented itself, and I enjoyed watching and making it happen. I am quite the Yente. I hadn't been that happy in quite some time now.    I have the Hoovers, the fellas, the faggots, and nerds (oh and all the new folks)to thank for one of the best reunions ever. If any of you...and you better know who you are...are reading this...I want you to know that I love you all, and I'm always here for you; my friends.

Thursday, January 13, 2005 Buzz

Life has reached yet another standstill. I always end up here. I mean, I know that life should be made out of a series of ups and downs, but my ups seem to be really high and then my downs are really freakin' down. Maybe I simply have ADD and I can't hold my attention for very long. I don't know.    Work today was stressful. In a strange way that statement doesn't make sense. The work that I do is easy as pie, and any three year old can do it...yet I found myself pulling my hair out at the end of the shift today. I think I got tired talking to people and their hard to crack attitudes.    My work forces me to compromise with other peoples' stupidity. I just wanted some silence for once. Instead I have to face either, a billion voices, or boredom and all its glory. Ha. I find I place myself the same spot over and over, even when I should be smart enough (from experience) to keep away. But, no.  Gosh, I'm afraid that such pain is some sick addiction of mine...but I doubt it- because I'd rather not be here. I got electrocuted three times the other day. I was cooking sausages on my Forman Grill, gaddammit! I was using a metal tong and was flipping the wieners when all of a sudden my arm surged and my toe went crazy! I didn't know what the F had just happened. To test even further, I touched a sausage with the tong- BUZZ. Then, I switched hands and felt the same buzz. To test yet even more, I flipped the sausages with a plastic spatula and- no buzz. Yup. I got electrocuted. Three effin times. It is on such days that I let out a gigantic sigh.