Head of Security: Destroyer of the Destructive.

A "Code Green" patient, on methamphetamine, who had been observed to hear voices in his head during an earlier mental evaluation, had the nurses calling for the head of security.   Now tied down, the patient thrashes about violently and threatens the hospital staff.

The Head of Security comes in and asks the sick man what his issue was and why was he felt entitled to cause the nurses grief. As though wanting to prove that even a security guard couldn't rain on his parade,  the crazy man begins threatening the guard, "What are you gonna do? You want to slap me? Come on then, hit me."

The guard calmly looks at the deranged fellow.

Again, the druggie taunts, "Come on, go ahead, slap me. Hit me," and starts slapping his own face to prove his apathy towards the guard's presence.

Finally, the guard responds,"I don't want to hit you..." And, with a face of complete stoicism intermingled with the subdued intensity of a clenched jaw and piercing eyes, the guard bends over the crazy man to whisper into his ear, "Actually, I wanna STAB YOUR NECK."

Dumbstruck with widened eyes, the junkie winces in a tone akin to a whining child on a playground to a nurse nearby for rescue, "Nuuuuurse, this guard wants to stab my neck."

The nurse chuckles and informs the crazy man, recalling his diagnosis of schizophrenia, that he is wrong and that the guard is, in fact the best they had and is merely there to bring additional care.

For the duration of that evening, the mentally unstable man is ironically lorded over by one crazier than himself, and he knew it.

The Head of Hospital Security is my father.

Newness

Ok, let me quickly say that my last post seemed rather religiously charged, maybe even typical. But, in truth, I don't know what God is. Nor, am I very religious. I simply can't deny that something conscious, responds to me and has always done so.  I revere the Bible, religious art, and other artifacts that were created from inspired peoples.

Now story time:

I had painfully broken up with who I thought was the man of my life. After a few days, I get invited to go out to a bar called The Ruby Room and go dancing. In my numbness, I figured it couldn't hurt.

As I cross the threshold of the bar door, I cross paths and meet eyes with an attractive man. As we glanced at each other, it felt like a distortion in the space-time continuum. I collected my intentions and let the moment pass and I walked in as he continued walking out.

I then go to the bar to purchase a drink, and I feel the sensation again. The man stood behind me...I imagine he could inhale the essence of my hair. Again, I felt a twinge of excitement. Regardless, of the amount of attractive people that were there that night, for some reason, this guy stood out.

I move on and find my friends. We dance, watch a fashion show, drink, and reminisce of times long past. I meet their mutual friends in the revelry and the night progressed wonderfully.

As I danced, the man I saw approached me. He then asked if he could dance with me. I accept and he twirls me around and we dance in a mixture of robot/goof/romance. I found myself laughing sincerely the entire time. It was refreshing to feel good again.

The bar was closing and "last call" was called. Then he asks for my number. Reluctant, I tell him to find me on Facebook and use his pen to scribble my name on his arm, before heading towards the door with my friends. As I did this, I feel his mouth almost brush my lips before I hastily moved my head away. It was way too much. But, then he quickly drew back and asked if he could just kiss my cheek. With that, I was fine, and we parted.

Eleven days ago, this same man, at this same bar, pulls me aside from my friends, and his. He tells me that he needs to ask me a question that takes a lot out of him to ask. He is tense, but with a sincere look in his eyes. He asks me if I would accept being his girlfriend. I tell him, I'd be more than happy to accept. And, he pulls me in for a deep, and impassioned kiss as our surroundings faded into the distance, our fears, our personal walls, and it was just he and I.

Adventure begins again...

My God.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust."

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler
And from the perilous pestilence.
He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be you shield and buckler.
You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at
noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
And ten thousand at your right hand;
But it shall not come near you.
Only with your eyes shall you look,
And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord, who is my
refuge,
Even the Most High, your dwelling;
No evil shall befall you,
Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;
For He shall give His angels charge over you,
To keep you in all your ways.
In their hands they shall bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.
You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you shall
trample underfoot."



In the midst of darkness...I reached for faith. Everything is crumbling; everything I have built. I had been betrayed by my own blood, and left alone to gasp for air in a very deep and unrelenting pool.

I spoke out loud to my God. I asked Him to talk to me. I pleaded for His help earnestly and sincerely.  I held my Bible, as it's tangibility provided further assurance, and allowed my heart to lead my hands through the pages. What I found was uncanny. I read this, and found my comfort, and my God's voice, in this volatile world. Had I mentioned The Bible first, in this post, would you have given these verses a chance?

Unbeknownst to me and at the same time, my sister was several miles away praying with her best friend that I would find comfort. She wept when I later read this to her and told her how her prayer had simultaneously been answered by my finding, Psalm 91: 1-13.

It is through events like this that I know my God exists. And, that He loves me.

Everything is going to be okay.

The Transfer

It's finally complete.  My Myspace blog has been transferred over to Blogger, even if all the wonderful comments and context could not be.

I used to write. I used to write when my life was a lot more exciting. A lot has happened since then. I've practically died, and then I've been resurrected. However, there is a lot more pieces to be put back in place before I become who I want to be yet.

I've changed. I've changed a whole lot. In time, I will get into the huge changes that I've been through; life had thrown a massive curve ball. But, my spirit and soul still persist. One day, I will be whoever I'm really supposed to be.

I'll always be nostalgic...diligently recording memories whenever I can, however I can, and with whoever has come along for the ride.

Let's see if I can begin a new life. A new kind of Joho.

It's time to bang, bang, bang again.

What have i done?, Mar 13, 2010, 2:45 AM

i asked this repeatedly as i drove away. something was wrong and i couldn't figure out what it was.

the same time last year, i was in the same situation, except for one thing...i am worse this year, particularly mentally.

i know i tend to speak before i have everything figured out. and this time, i may have destroyed something forever.

what i wish i said is that i lost faith in me. not anyone else. me. what i wish i said is i can't handle my own life that i don't believe i can take care of myself. that i don't accept ME for what i am now. that i have become a weak, intolerable pessimist. but that is no one else's fault.

i am depressed. i am angry. i don't know why history repeated itself so cruelly. but it isn't anyone's fault, if at all...only mine. but i took that dagger and drove it into the heart of the closest thing to me. what i might have lost is the only thing that made me believe in me again. the only thing that gave me any worth. the only thing that would ever love the little i have left. and it is all my fault.

i wish i said thank you instead. thank you.


i was wrong.
and i deserve this.

For Myspacers: Have a Look at My Wares!, Mar 10, 2010 , 10:32 PM

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade Jovi.etsy.com

A Question, Feb 20, 2010, 1:59 PM

Fragile Like a baby in your arms Be gentle with me I'd never willingly Do you harm Apologies Are all you seem to get from me But just like a child You make me smile When you care for me And you know... It's a question of lust It's a question of trust It's a question of not letting What we've built up Crumble to dust It is all of these things and more That keep up together Independence Is still important for us though (we realise) It's easy to make The stupid mistake Of letting go (do you know what I mean) My weaknesses You know each and every one (it frightens me) But I need to drink More than you seem to think Before I'm anyone's And you know... Kiss me goodbye When I'm on my own But you know that I'd Rather be home

The Romantic video of "A Question Of Lust" sung by Martin Lee Gore of Depeche Mode
Release : 1986

The point, Feb 18, 2010, 10:40 PM

i wish i could drink away my pain like i used to. sober pain is choking me. everyone is drunk and i am isolated, watching them laugh.

i don't know how to cope. i have run out of resources. i have run out of relationships.

i feel utterly alone and different. alien. forgotten. i've been in my dungeon for a long time, just watching the days tick by.



i'm trying to grasp the point. what is the point?

OMG 5 YEARS, Jan 10, 2010, (edited)9:22 PM

5 years ago...

...a dark and brooding blue-eyed teenager

took a fun-loving Filipino gal 3 years his senior

for a crazy ride,

and they never got off.

<3

My Lucky List, Nov 13, 2009, 4:23 PM

Despite all the crap this year...I'm going to make a nice long list to remind myself how lucky I really am.  This is more for me, so if it bores you...I totarry understand.  Also, this is not meant to boast. My more negative side would laugh and say I have nothing to boast about.

So, just for me...to remember:

1. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is honest, thoughtful, romantic, hilarious, loyal, and loves me unconditionally.

2. I have a wonderful family. I can really write a book on this, but for the sake of this list, I'll just keep it short.

3. I have enough money to survive at present.

4. I have a decent place to stay where all my needs are provided.

5. I have a beautiful view that wakes me up in the morning and puts me to bed at night.

6. I have two computers.

7. I have a chihuahua that reminds me to live and love a bit more.

8. I have a car that doesn't quit.

9. I have a human-like cat that never fails to amaze me with his unique personality. He loves me a lot too.

10. No matter what happens, I can always eat meat and potatoes.

11. I lived in LA.

12. I got on TV many times.

13. I've experienced a trans-pacific volcano evacuation.

14. I have health insurance.

15. I have beautiful hair.

16. I am still young.

17. I believe in something greater than myself and experience it daily.

18. I have clear skin.

19. I learned what being an actor really means.

20. I get to travel, eat, and explore through cable television and books.

21. I got to learn bellydance.

22. I got to perform in parades, field shows, and concerts with my clarinet in high school.

23. I got to play steal drum.

24. I've been able to go to Disneyland and SeaWorld a million times and it never gets old.

25. I have a few friends, who I never really see anymore, but still wonder how I am and miss me.

26. I can draw.

27. I create things with my hands and imagination.

28. I have a really nice bed (in storage, but its mine.)

29. I got to make medications, IV's, and compounds for normal, really sick, or really famous people.

30. There's a lot of rustic character and breeze where I live. It makes me feel alive.

31. I have internet in my room.

32. I have my own private room and bathroom.

33. I can wear anything right now for the first time in my life.

34. I get to swim in a pool whenever I want.

35. I have a lot of shoes and a lot of clothes.

36. I have a DS which I thoroughly enjoy.

37. I live in place with central air.

38. I'm STD free. Haha.

39. I have perfect vision.

40. I have a cellphone that doesn't quit.

50. There's dairy free butter!

51. I have really strong bones.

52. I have nice calves and ankles.

53. I have straight teeth.

54. I have a Pharm Tech license.

55. I'm about to get a college degree, finally.

56. I have ok credit.

57. Everyone I love is healthy.

58. I can eat avocados all the time.

60. I have an older brother that acts as my portal to the latest in technology and gaming.

61. I can eat a lot of SweetTarts.

Well. I guess this is my list for the day. I have to say...I'm feeling pretty lucky right now. I might do this more often.

The Adventure, Oct 17, 2009, 9:10 AM

Warm rays of sunlight danced on her lashes arousing her from subconscious dimensions. What a beautiful morning outside her window; a view of El Cajon valley, the twittering of birds, and the crisp temperature that loved to lay itself on fluffy cotton sheets, cooling the skin of the dreamer.

She sat up, stretched, and opened her laptop to catch up on current events. "House Party: 'Oktoberfest' at Crestmont, in Silverlake..." she read from an invite on her Facebook account. Immediately, memories of learning scenes to perform for Acting class, the fellow students who she bonded with, and the special times she spent at the Crestmont house; the house she finally felt the familiarities of home away from home, filled her with heartfelt emotions.

She remembered the home of Kevin, and Eric, and another who she never really met. She remembered practicing a romantic and yet humorous scene with the handsome Eric numerous times and never making the progress her acting teacher would approve of. She remembered sitting with her scene partner, looking at his family photos, experiencing his carpentry, his art in New York through photos, and feeling an undeniable closeness in a world where everyone was but a stranger to her still. He bade her to drink with him, and sit a while. Feeling long abandoned, she did. This was the first time she didn't feel alone in her new world. And, it was warm; it was impossibly perfect.

"I want to go..." she whispered to whatever silent spirit accompanied her in the solace of her present room.

She quickly checked for hotels in the near vicinity of the Crestmont home. For one hundred dollars she could stay overnight in LA, visit the three South Bay beaches that had served to uplift her whenever she beckoned; visit a town where she spent roving the streets in a drunken spell with a best friend as the rain poured and drenched them; visit the Macy's where hundreds of dollars were spent on jewels to spoil a most caring sister; and, as dusk would fall, she would land herself at the Crestmont house, where she would reunite with the small army of artists who, like herself, gave up everything they had and knew, for a dream.

It would be glorious.

It would be.

At least in her imagination, it will be.

My Day, Oct 13, 2009, 10:38 PM

What a day to be sick. I cried all day.  I just want to be who I was, and find joy in everything the way I used to.

I locked myself in today; comforted by my bed and the silence, and the solitude.

I can travel and adventure through books and the internet...I figure. There's no other way to escape but these now.

I cried all day. To the point of bringing on a migraine headache...and thoughts of death, darkness, and doom naturally infiltrated my already pessimistic mind. Things were supposed to be better by now. Change for the better dangled in front of me for most of the year, only to implode into nothing again.

Its been a long time since I've been able to really live.

The smallest sliver of courage and of hope came with my shining knight at the last hours of dusk.

In his embrace, I felt peace. I felt the manifestation of a what I imagine agape love could feel like. I was rescued. I needed this. And through only this, I am grateful enough to find the worth of the last twenty-six years of my life on this earth, and for the next one beginning today.

TLC got to me and...Aug 15, 2009 , 11:46 PM

So, out of imagining the need to one day get one, I browsed wedding dresses and ran into something sorta surprising, haha




Lookie here...





Boo, and it wasn't my favorite dress!

Wow. Myspace told me off., Jul 4, 2009, 10:17 AM

Here I am looking at my friend's wedding, wanting to post a comment...





But then I saw this...






WTF MYSPACE!? how did u kno? ;P






haha








All of the comment boxes said that! 

I did not make those changes myself even if I wanted to because it goes into word process mode when you put your cursor in it.


WHAT THE H, MYSPACE.

haha

the truth, May 5, 2009, 10:01 PM

i want to be in love.

and i want to be loved.

not because i'm perfect, but because i'm imperfect.  because i am weird. because i look different.


i want to be lead, i want to be needed, i want to be cherished, i want to be valued.

i want to be worth many thoughts in a day.

i want to be worth celebrating.


at the same time...i want to be able to give with no reserve. i simply cannot give my all to a cold heart, even if i wanted to.


i miss it.

Singin' The Scorpions, YES, Apr 23, 2009 , 9:49 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5JhQCukZ0Y

Go Fuck Yourself, Apr 8, 2009, 6:19 PM

This phrase means something completely different to me. 

I had met someone, who grew up the same way I did, with the same beliefs I did, and even had the same thinking patterns that I did. This person had the same morals I did, and even the same ambition. 

I thought it would be perfect, and it absolutely was...for a little while. And then my weaknesses were fed forcefully back to me. Insecurity, mistrust, jealousy, and wile, all qualities that I had fought inside myself, and I'm sure, my exes had grown tired of dealing with.

The sad part is, because these weaknesses hit so close to home...I was willing to overlook them; to forgive them...because I understood them.

Unfortunately, the other me, was not as forgiving. Could I not forgive myself?

I feel so shattered for not even I could not tolerate my weaknesses as they pummeled my heart furiously.

In the past, I was never sure if I could ever be with myself, because of what I know I am capable of.

This blog makes me uncomfortable because of its vulnerability.  But, maybe I should try to give myself a chance. I've already learned a lot.

house, Apr 6, 2009 ,10:45 PM

hello jovi.

did u enjoy your shower? kept the water nice and hot for you. by the way, here are some clean clothes for you to wear, and an extra roll of toilet paper is in the cupboard.

the stove is nice and hot, in case you want to cook some tinola for dinner. i've already set aside a pot and some filtered water.

how's the temperature? remember, if its hot, just keep the windows and doors closed. if you're too cold, you do the same thing plus use some blankets in this closet here. or, hey! this fireplace can help with that. heh.

are you bored, jovi? don't worry, i have some cable tv, good dvds, and internet connection!

your cats are fine in their room.  they're there for you too.

so, jovi, you're all set! i give this all to you for free!

jovi?




jovi? what's wrong?





oh jovi... i would talk to you but i have no mouth or brain. i would hold you, but i don't have arms.  i would take you on adventures but i do not have feet.

i would love you, but i do not have a heart.





i would do all this...but i don't exist. i am just a house.


and you are just...well....pathetic.





























fuck.

figgums, Apr 2, 2009, 5:16 PM

man. i'm bored. heh

i feel great today, yes! ugh, wish i felt this great last night. i'm feeling...mmm.

MMmmmmmmmm.


mhmm.


and tired, though. i guess that's a strange bipolar mix, eh?

Song of Solomon, Mar 26, 2009 , 2:40 AM

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth;

His fruit was sweet to my taste;

His left hand is under my head;

And his right hand doth embrace me.

Behold, thou art fair.

Open to me, my dove;

For my head is filled with the drops of the night.

Come, my beloved;

Let us see if the vine flourishes,

And the tender grapes appear,

And the pomegranates burn forth.

Apparently, The Song of Solomon is about sex and is incredibly romantic, (impatient? begin @ 1:35):

................

April Fools Day, Mar 24, 2009, 7:51 PM

April 1st...It's coming up. My brother and Rachel head to their new estate.  I am left in the financial limbo.  If Obama's new policy allows our mortgage to be reduced, we keep our house.  If not; we foreclose.

I still wait for the news.  I still have no home. Really, I have nothing to my name...and am feeling a creeping depression whenever I see it that way. I'm trying to remain positive.

My brother asks me how I feel, and I tell him: I am in no place to feel anything about anything.

I'm popping a cork tonight...

A party might be in the works, to commemorate everything this place represented for the last 5 years. Once again, I step into the unknown...I need to remember to breathe.

MikEE's 25th Birthday Gala Vidz, Mar 19, 2009, 3:40 AM

Four parts; begins here:

http:../../..www...youtube...com/..watch?..v=iHzRC6Xtk-c
http:../../..www...youtube...com/..watch?..v=..PcbIwmqM2Gk&..feature=channel
http:../../..www...youtube...com/..watch?..v=..kdOogBQXtik&..feature=channel
http:../../..www...youtube...com/..watch?..v=..UD0ZN2b1Bj0&..feature=channel

(My footage) I hear there's more out there...


vidz by joho ;P

Changes, Mar 16, 2009 , 7:05 AM

What is happening? My life feels like it's changing. Big changes are just unfolding before me so rapidly.

I am not sure whether they are the changes that I've wished for...for me to get better and better, everyday and in every way. Or, am I making these changes out of selfishness, which worries me more than anything.  I don't believe one can ever be in charge of their lives; rather, their lives continuously surprise them.

2009 rang in wonderfully, with hope of optimistic foreshadowing of a bright year ahead. Is that what's going on? I sit in suspense within the process of whatever is to come.

Yes, due to some recent trauma that was LA, the biggest change of my life thus far, I am anxious.  Fear occasionally grips me when I think of everything that has been going on in even the last 2 weeks; new friendships, renewed friendships, tears, joy, new headshots, smoked what I hope is my last cigarette, and possibly losing my family house that has preserved our family unity, pride, and safety for the last 4 years. It is easy for me to feel trapped and stifled, or that I'm amidst more bad decisions...

And then, I say to myself that I simply just don't understand the process in its tinkering, and all will eventually be revealed later.

All I can do is go with the flow. As Bruce Lee said, I have to be like water; as well as not focus on the finger that points to the moon, as I will miss the heavenly glory of the moon itself.

Hm...What is happening?  I cannot help but wonder.

Bestfriend, Mar 4, 2009, 2:17 AM

I realize, tonight, that my bestfriend is my boyfriend. And, it's scary and stifiling.
It occured to me how dangerous this was.  He has my deepest confidence over anyone I know...and if he's not there, then I will have no one.  It is the unfortunate truth that I am not close to anyone at all anymore. I have trouble getting close to people in general. And, he has been the only person I've met, other than my sister, who really understands how I tick; and would actually drive out in the middle of the night, during a thunderstorm to get me if my car broke down....well, no.

He would either be drunk or sleeping, in truth, but he's probably the only one I would feel close enough to call in a situation like that (other than my sister or something). It's also unsettling the the closest person I have can't be counted on for support in situations that require some effort on his part, or gets in the way of his drinking schedule.

Anyway...it scares me. What if we can no longer work it out as lovers? Would my only real connection to someone go with him? The sad answer that I've realized is, Yes.

I'm scared of losing him...more as a friend. But, if I lost him as a lover, all things would change, and it wouldn't be the same. So, am I putting up with more things, and suffering through more things, than a person who has more close relationships would because I have no close friends? 

I am going through a hard time in my life right now; just, meagerly making it by, and relying on optimism to motivate me through each day. I really value his willingness to listen to my often repetative complaints about my tummy troubles and anxieties that most aquaintences would shun me for.

But, its not right, nor is it fair to either of us, if I am forcing a smile, whether I am happy in the relationship or not, just to have him as my bestfriend. When the hard days come around where I am sure we can't make it as a couple, I throw my needs as a girlfriend out the window, for the fact I need his friendship. If this is what I'm doing...it's absolutely wrong. But, in my state, I can't even imagine telling another guy all the crap that comes with me...my confidence is shot.

But, am I willing to be utterly alone to admit truth in the possibilty that I cling only to his friendship?

Alas, I have far too many problems to be capable of admitting it. To be alone right now...would just kill me.

So, I am trapped. I'm not willing to analyze it further, because the possibilities have too much of my soul at stake.

 

Thank You, Feb 24, 2009, 6:06 PM

Regardless of not having won the competition, I still ranked 232 out of
326 in under 4 days time. I think that is AMAZING, and am proud of the
friends who really wanted to push for me to get on the show.



I think that feat was rewarding enough, and I look forward to entering
more competitions. Maybe next time, I'll catch one long before the
competition is over. I'm sure, with this kind of support, we'll swamp
the next one.



I cannot thank everyone enough for their support. I'm full of nothing else but the warmth of their hopes they shared with mine.

HELP ME GET ON TV (vid is processing, soon will air), Feb 19, 2009, 5:50 PM

Hey Guys,

I only have less than four days to get to the top five. The video is till processing but you can STILL VOTE by clicking on this widget. To see the video go to this site:



Click Here!





Tell everyone you know, and all their friends, to vote for me ONCE a day EVERY day for until Monday!

Help me land a role on Bones!
Thanks so much,
Jovi

Phantom Chains, Jan 24, 2009 , 11:20 PM

I wake up.  It's dim in the room, I look around remembering I was sleeping in Mac's room. I reminisce on the dream I had just woken up from.  It was such a cool dream, though I can't recall it right now. Mac is sleeping next to me.

Suddenly, I hear something moving across the room.  It sounded like shifting of papers or scratching.  No one else was in the room except Mac and I. Very curious, and eerily suspicious that something ethereal was present, I move to look up and see the visitor. Immediately, an unseen force holds my head down.  My arms, fingers, and mouth also felt bound. However, my eyes are wide open, looking around. Above me was a very, very slight, wisp of movement--which was mostly invisible.

Growing  up, I've been taught to use my faith to battle unseen presences, as they could be demons.

So, I tried to say my cry of faith,  "Get away in the name of  Jesus!"  My mouth could hardly move, yet I found it easier to say the phrase if I said it slowly.  I started to audibly speak the phrase, but it was coming out like moans.  Sort of embarrassed about sounding like a retard and worried that Mac, an atheist, would hear my meager attempts at vocalizing, I brought myself to try and whisper it out. He would have found my vocalizing silly. My mouth was difficult to move and would otherwise remain open, but I used as much will that I had to make it say the phrase.

Before I could mouth the entire phrase, many voices suddenly and clearly whispered in unison, tauntingly into my ear and head saying, "In the name of Jesus! In the name of Jesus! In the name of Jesus!," in a fast sort of chant.  I felt as though it were mocking me and rejoicing in its efforts in controlling my motor skills and preventing me from saying what I wanted to say.

Throughout the whole episode, I was feeling challenged and fearless. I decided to say what I wanted to say through my thoughts, believing that whatever it was would be able to hear it.  I thought to myself, "I believe in a power that is greater than you, get away in the name of God."

With that, my hands released, and then my neck and mouth.

A rush of victory coursed within me and felt strong in what I believed in; assured that a greater power was indeed on my side. Mac woke up at the next moment. I was excited to tell him what I had
just gone through, trying to make it as secular a narration as I could.

I recall several stories from friends who had discribed their experience with being frozen, and all their scientific discourse on the matter.  However, I found my experience was unique to theirs' in many ways:

1. Something was moving in the room.
2. I had been awake for at least 2 minutes, eye-balling my surroundings before I got frozen.
3. I could make audible noise.
4. I heard a unison of voices speaking at a in clear loud whisper, and unmistakable English, in my ears and head.

Maybe, it was sleep paralysis...but, I don't think so.

It brought to mind how the recent turn of events of my life have really made me stronger in my faith than ever before. I almost felt ready for another encounter. I felt ready to challenge whatever force wanted to fool with me again, because something real, something greater, was indeed on my side.

,Dead Mawth, Jan 15, 2009, 3:32 PM

Last night there was a moth fluttering about in my room. Ugh. I tried to protect myself with my blanket several times, until it finally went into my lamp and I thought I was safe.

Eventually, I fell asleep, rest assured.

I woke up and found it, smashed right next to my face. It was all dried up, wings tattered, and a dry puddle of its guts were spewed out.

Don't know how I killed it. I had no marks. But, sure enough...I had an unconscious brawl with it.

Old Crush, Jan 14, 2009 , 3:23 PM

Have you ever liked someone in high school, and at the time, thought they'd never have dated you; then you see who they are with now?

And laugh.

Because the person he's with is a lot like you.

While a old part of you cries?
 Especially, when you notice how happy they are together.

Quitting Smoking Nightmare (It always happens!), Jan 2, 2009, 9:08 PM

I was hanging out in a bathroom with Mac because he needed to have diarrhea. He was taking forever in the bathroom when I noticed that our friend Christine was there with our other friend Shane. It looked like they were doing some sort of drug, I'm thinking heroin. 

The bathroom was full of 80s looking chicks. Older women and younger.  All of them at one point were doing coke, using straws to sniff from plastic cups. They were trying to hide what they were doing, but they really couldn't, and they moved very mechanically as they got stoned.  Then, some of them started throwing up, and someone complained that the coke was tainted.  A voice rang from the girl who supplied the coke, swearing that it was real. As more and more of the girls started getting sick, I ran outside disturbed.

Mac was really, really drunk, acting not like himself.  He barged of the bathroom all messed up, dillusional and violent. He harassed some people  and went back in the bathroom to poop some more.

A little while later, he called out to me in a distressed voice and asked me to come help him. As I came in, he charged out again, pushing people aside and then ran down the stairs outside. 

I went looking for him a couldn't find him. I went back to the bathroom. There was diahrrea splattered everywhere and his watery footprints strewn on the floor in dirty puddles.  Apperantly, his toilet had clogged, and this must have been what had upset him.

I decided to stay the night and wait for him to come back. I think I tried calling his cell continuously, to no avail.

Finally, I got a call. Mac is at the emergency room. Apparently, he fell down the stairs and hurt his wrists? Head?

He was yelling out my name angrily. He was mad at me for some reason. He told me the doctors were about to open up his chest for some reason, but they had changed there minds at the last minute. He sounded scared and wanted me to pick him up.

Suddenly, we lost connection. I felt helpless in losing him.

A 35 year old, 80s decked woman with a lot of eye makeup looked at me. She asked if my boyfriend was the one with the tight black shirt with some punk band name, black pants, and curly hair-who came in with me last night. I said yes. She gave me a lusty look above her cigarette smoke, and told me she thought he was hot.

I got weirded out by her.

I woke up, feeling pretty physically crappy.

Disclaimer:  Haha, thanks Big Boy.  This was a dream.  It did not happen in real life.  Though based on real life characters, the characters in my dream were fictional recreations from my own subconcious.  So, don't point at Mac and laugh. Hahaha!

Feeling Great Update, Dec 22, 2008, 4:13 PM

It's been so long since I've felt this great physically and mentally.
The holiday has got me all excited and adventurous-though my house is still the darkest house on the block and I don't even have a tree up yet.
Regardless, I'll take my days when they come.

What's everyone else doing for the holidays?

I feel like ice skating...we should all go to Vejas to try out their new ice-skating rink! In the past we had to go all the way to UTC...

Oh, I wonder if the ice skating rink at Horton is open too!
I realized that, though my life has been feeling stagnant lately, at least I'll have my AA in July.  At least that's something.
I just watched "It Happened One Night" with Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert, and that move left an impression of inspiration and hope. I freakin' loved that move.

Ellie Andrews: By the way, what's your name?
Peter Warne: What's that?
Ellie Andrews: Who are you?
Peter Warne: Who me?
[smiling]
Peter Warne: I'm the whippoorwill that cries in the night. I'm the soft morning breeze that caresses your lovely face.
YES YOU ARE MR. PETE WARNE, YES YOU ARE!

Alexander Andrews: Oh, er, do you mind if I ask you a question, frankly? Do you love my daughter?
Peter Warne: Any guy that'd fall in love with your daughter ought to have his head examined.
Alexander Andrews: Now that's an evasion!
Peter Warne: She picked herself a perfect running mate - King Westley - the pill of the century! What she needs is a guy that'd take a sock at her once a day, whether it's coming to her or not. If you had half the brains you're supposed to have, you'd done it yourself, long ago.
Alexander Andrews: Do you love her?
Peter Warne: A normal human being couldn't live under the same roof with her without going nutty! She's my idea of nothing!
Alexander Andrews: I asked you a simple question! Do you love her?
Peter Warne: YES! But don't hold that against me, I'm a little screwy myself!
<3 Unforgettable. Both leads won Academy Awards that year. Maybe the movie did too, but I'm not sure, haha.

I stay, Dec 5, 2008, 10:37 AM

here.

dunno what im gonna do.

can't sleep. lonely.

would drink the vod. can't.
quit job in la. scared.
gotta stay postitive. relationship a wreck. don't really love myself right now either.
not much else.

LA, Chapter 2, Oct 28, 2008, 8:58 PM

So...my disability ends in a month.
It's almost time to go back to the big city. I'm excited and I feel like I've got a lot of catching up to do.
I'm really glad I had the chance to come back home and I'll tell ya, if it were only possible to be an actor here in San Diego, I would stay.
The thing is, I have a really good acting class and job in LA. That class is full of people who have my same dreams, already gracing the small screen (a few on the silver screen). I should be with them, devoted to only one dream.
I'll admit, I'm probably too messed up to handle another lonely stint, but I see no other way. This is my attempt to accept my fears:
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of being sick and helpless.
I am afraid of letting people down.
I am afraid that I won't have enough faith to make it.
These fears are probably what I'll have to face in the sprawling city of dreams because they get in the way of my super objective.
These are the fears that ruined my first try.
I need to change my outlook, if only I knew how. If only I had someone I had faith in to join me. I've always been a team player...and now, I have to stand on my own...again.
In San Diego, I'm surrounded by strong-minded, strong-spirited people. In LA, I'm surrounded by individuals, though also strong-minded and sprited, they are content with their own agendas. I thrive on partnerships...but I will have no partner up there.
How will I manage?
There is no law that says I'll end up alone again. I know this. I know people there, I just have not had the chance yet to build relationships. Maybe this time, I can focus on that. This time I can focus on my health, physically and mentally.
The last few months in LA, I thought I had started doing this, but I was knocked back down to being a dependant, sickly, depressed girl-to the point that I had to run back home for refuge.
This last month, that is what I will be thinking about: making myself strong enough to stand on my own again.
As my acting teacher said, I either fucking commit, or get the fuck out. That is LA.

Bullshit. (Sorry folks, this one’s just a venter.), Oct 23, 2008, 6:34 AM

Ooo I just want to scream!!!!

This is the last time I'm going to take being hung up on. I'm drawing the line right here. It looks like another couple weeks of the silent treatment. I can't be the only one trying to resolve things.

He's still running and avoiding our problems. I'm tired.
Firstly, he expects me to do everything, to make him happy, when he can't do the same in return.  He wants me to stay in a house, where my personal things, he can't protect, and then only visit me for 2 days.  I have to bring a shit load to even see him at all. Him getting me toilet paper was a huge nuisance.  And he wants me there!? I cook him breakfast, I have everything he needs. He's just, and has always been, selfish, and too lazy to make it fair.
You ask for fairness, and he hangs up on you.

That's fucking it.
That's it! I do not deserve that treatment. I know I get mad, but I work it out. I make an effort to fix things. This is bullshit.
When I screw up, I immediately try and fix things.
What does he do? Hangs up on me. Not fair.

Me, Myself, I, Oct 17, 2008, 6:50 AM

i'm not all "good times."
why don't you want the rest of me too?
the sad times...
the bad times...
don't all of those times make me the person that i am?
if you take only one part, won't the rest of me feel left out?
alone.
it's hard knowing that someone only wants a piece of you, and is willing to throw the rest out for the birds.
the truth is, there is only one "me" who feels forsaken; and forever, only one "me" to love.

a heart in the sky, Oct 11, 2008, 4:57 PM

amidst my utter misery.
i light a cigarette on my roof. i weep.
i look up at the sky, and directly in front of me, i see a cloud, shaped undeniably in the form of a heart.
i stare up at it...until it very slowly wisps away. i smile and i'm filled with gratitude...if not anyone of this world...someone hears me.
it was the best birthday present of my entire life.

If only i could disappear. im tired of this., Oct 11, 2008 , 4:29 PM

stupid fucking oatmeal. stupid fucking stomach.

my mom ate my bacon this morning and i blew up at her. she didn't deserve it. i can't believe i feel this way about bacon. stupid fucking bacon. no soy, no fructose fucking the only bacon i can freaking eat.
everyone depends on me so much. but i can't hardly even count on myself. i couldn't go out last night because my stomach was fucked up...my friend needed me!
my dreams are fading away...my hope is fading away...
i believe i do belong in a different world. one where no one else has to deal with me. me and my stupid fucking needs.
its just too much to handle. i can't expect anyone else to handle it with me.
i wish the pain would stop. i keep getting punished. why...oh God. The pain is too much. It's too much. I want it all to end.

Thrifty, Oct 11, 2008, 3:21 AM

Well, my mom and I bought our Halloween costumes together from a Goodwill, they're awesome!
She's going to be a dame from the '20s. And, I will be...well, that's a secret for now. HAHA.
Thrift stores are sweet.  I found two CD's that are pretty good (The Boomtown Rats and some Idol) and also a black, men's bubble jacket for nostalgia reasons. I think I'll hold on to it for now.
I also ate some oatmeal for breakfast...and I ate more for lunch, and that's when it screwed me. Watch the intake Jovi, sheesh.  I get too excited that something is not a potato or piece of meat that I out-do myself.
Edie Sedgwick-watch a movie about her today.  Not too impressive a person, really. Pretty typical, stupid, rich girl.  But hey, it was something for me to watch.

Thanks to Randy!!, Oct 5, 2008 , 2:45 AM

My Super Self!!!

Missed Out-I’m Sorry, Sep 20, 2008, 10:26 AM

Damnit!  I missed out tonight.  Tonight should have been great.

I fell asleep. I've been depressed lately, falling asleep early and what not.  I thought I'd be able to wake up before it was too late.

But, now it's 3:30am and I'm the only one awake. Ugh, what an idiot I am. I really didn't mean to flake...if anything I didn't want to spend my Friday night at home, alone.
I'm so sorry everyone. I really wanted to see you guys.

too many wishes, Sep 20, 2008, 2:58 AM

i wish i could eat anything i wanted again. i wish i could drink again. i wish i believed in my dreams again. i wish i had no fear. i wish i healed faster. i wish i could hear God. i wish i did a lot more than i did in LA. i wish i had faith. i wish i had the strength i had as a little girl. i wish i had the confidence i had as a little girl. i wish i knew why things turned out this way.
i wish i wasn't alone. i wish someone could save me. i wish i could save myself.

Disability, Sep 11, 2008, 5:58 AM

when harry met sally...as much as i hate to admit it, that shit really happens. it happened to me not too long ago...
please, excuse any escaping typos, as i just stuck on designer overlays on the fingernails.  they look borderline gaudy, but i was bored.
today, i am temporarily disabled. i get to go home...and, well, definitely not work, that's for sure. its been a long time, since a summer of '04 to be exact, since i didn't go to work. that was one hell of a summer. probably the most important and memorable summer of my entire life thus far. broke, drunk, loved.
i come back to the city that created me. i just can't believe LA tko'd me so quick.  i though i had bigger balls, seriously. i think without people i love, i'm a bowl of jelly. i can be bitter about what has happened, or i can just take the break for what it is, and foresee an angry, non-stop charge into the future of dreams.
what the hell will i do with myself?

i'll figure it out...or maybe i won't. maybe it's all figured out for me. i just get to live it.

Dear Diary, Aug 26, 2008, 2:13 AM

So, it's back to San Diego for me for a few months.

I shall return to LA when I can eat again. With a vengeance, I shall return!

Benadryl Induced Nightmare, Aug 12, 2008, 12:48 AM

I was surrounded by fog in a surreal town which seemed to have the essence of a city street during the 1930's. The town had brick roads and was awash in dark colors of slate and black. I was being escorted by a picturesque white woman. Her brown hair was neatly twisted from the top of her forehead to the nape of her neck, eventually gathering into a bun. She wore an ankle length blue dress with a small ruffle from shoulder, to décolletage, to shoulder. At her waist, a thin belt cinched her garment.
Soon, she was daintily leading me around a Victorian neighborhood lined with leafless, black-barked trees, as she pointed to open windows of the different shops along the street. It felt as though she were giving me a tour in a museum.
I followed her in my ankle-length gown with which I wore an orange Peter-Pan fashioned leather hat with a matching belt and shoes. My orange leather shoes had large gold buckles on them; I thought I looked nice.
As we walked down the road, we noticed another woman, kneeling down amongst a group of small dogs she must have been walking. She was talking to them with a soft voice as she ruffled their ears lovingly.
The lady in the blue dress smiled and encouraged me to talk to the other lady with the group of little dogs. I go to the lady with the dogs and kneel down to join her. I laughed and started small talk with the woman as we petted her several pure-breaded companions.
For a brief moment as I talked to the lady with the dogs, I looked past her into a store window behind her. In it, I see the body of a Victorian woman, sitting on a red velvet chair behind the glass. I do not see the head of the strange lady.  It was hard for me to make out whether she was a manikin or a live woman sitting there watching, for she was shrouded in a shadow from her collar bones up. Her hands sat, fingers entiwined, on her lap. The vision sent a chill up my spine.
The lady in the blue dress took my attention away from the window, as she approached with a smile on her face. Trying to forget what I had just seen, I then turned to speak to the other lady with the dogs. As she began to speak, she suddenly froze; her eyes grew wide and dilated into black marbles, and her face in an expression of blank shock.
Then, as though her brain had been removed from her body, her hand froze while her head slowly bowed towards the dog she had been petting. Soon her body followed, crumbling towards the ground. 
Almost in correlation with the woman petting it, the small dog froze for a moment as it too, started deflating towards the floor. Tense, I looked at them, and then realized that the other small dogs followed the progression; blank stare and then an eerie winding towards the ground.
In a panic, I turned toward the woman in blue who was at my other side by then, only to find that her face had also grown pale, eyes dilated into wide black marbles as the other lady's eyes had done. Again, the lady in blue drooped very slowly towards the ground as lifeless as a rag doll. As I watched her body droop, my eyes caught a pair of evil and angry eyes of a small dog at my knee.
Its throat let out a rumbling snarl as it stared.  Slowly, the other dogs removed themselves from their blank trances and began focusing on me. Beginning to growl viciously, they shifted their bodies, getting ready to pounce as they bared their supernaturally large and pointed teeth. They were getting ready to attack me!
I tried to swing my arms in an attempt to bat them away, but I could not move. I tried to scream at them, but I could not scream. I realized my body was beginning to droop toward the ground uncontrollably as the other ladies before me. I screamed with all my might to regain control...
And with an audible groan, I woke up, my mind still in a phase of fighting.
I looked around me...I was in my apartment. I looked for my cats and they were nowhere. I looked farther into the kitchen, and there they were. I was relieved.
Seeing me get up, they hungrily meowed and rubbed against me lovingly.
It was just a nightmare. I thanked God.
I turned on the television in an attempt to lull me back to sleep since it was only 4am. As you can imagine, sleep came very slowly.

Vent, Aug 10, 2008, 5:57 AM

what the
what the fuck is going on!?
this whole situation is driving me mad. it's driving me MAD!
my personal life, my spiritual life, my physical health, is all sorts of bonkers right now!
i need some stability. please. Oh God. i always feel compelled to run away...but now there's nowhere left to run. i already ran away. i've learned a huge lesson that i should have known from the get-go. running doesn't solve anything.
i need to be revived. as much as i want to return to my old life, i know happiness wasn't there, so why do i expect it to be there now!?
i need guidance. more than anything. i need to be told where to go and what to do and who to talk to. but only from a perspective of unrequitted love.
who am i trying to kid. why am i looking back now!? especially when, for a moment, i felt like i had made it so far on my own. now i doubt myself again, that's what this has done.
it's this false hope that i have; that there is hope in my past. FUCK YOU!
i'm a fool. i can reap the fruits of the foolishness i've sowed now. i deserve it.
i'm trying so hard to think positive. sooo, very hard. because i just want to meet the people i should meet, be the person i should be, all in which would only cultivate what makes me happy. and i desparately need to find what makes me happy, truly happy. lonliness is my worst fear. but i haven't found the right soul, other than my family. and they're in SD.
i wish i knew.

Home, Jul 23, 2008, 3:56 PM

I sure do miss the comforts.
It's beautiful here; the air is fresher, the water is softer, and the mornings are far more serene.
I feel safe again; I miss the hills next to me, and having a lawn, a patio, the entire backyard.

If I weren't as crazy as I am, or as masochistic as I am...I would come back here with a swiftness.
I don't come home as often as I used to and it makes me appreciate this place even more. There's food in the fridge and on the coffee table...my sister is here, and my brothers.
Only a crazy person would give all of this up.  Only a crazy person would give up the life I once had.
I'm working to build on it. That's what I'm doing. And, if it's crazy...I think it has to be. To add more to this blessed life that I cherish...I'd have to be a little twisted to make a difference in it's seeming perfection.

It all makes everything that much fuller and eventually the reasons will all become much clearer.

Damn Cognac!, Jul 14, 2008, 10:40 PM

wow, i bought my bridesmaid dress today! whoopie! it wasn't my favorite style, but cognac was a hard color to find and so i had to settle with the style they had.
i don't know, but it was so damn exciting to try on such formal wear. it has been a loooooong time since i've worn anything so fancy. can't wait for the wedding, haha.
my illness is going away, it has taken forever, but thank God, I made it through. i ate soup today. after a diet of crackers and gatorade for 6 days and 3 doctor visits, soup was a gourmet meal!
you know, sadly, i think i look better all famished. sure looked nice and guant in that bridesmaid gown, let me tell ya. my wrists looked so delicate, i had to spend 70 dollars on jewelry to decorate my new skeletal look! fuckn' lost  a good 6 pounds. =P
i'm worried i won't fit in my dress when it arrives in September...so i plan on maintaining my somolian weight by exercising more.
lol.


my sister goes to frisco early, probably before i wake up. it was so nice having her around. =(
she was my rock through these hard times. im a little anxious about her going and me being alone again...to fend for myself. but, i'm slowly learning to stop trusting on my own human limits, because they'll only let me down. i'm trying to have a little faith again.

Blech, Jul 12, 2008, 9:35 AM

Ugh...I'm sick.

Haha.

I haven't had it this bad since two years ago, when my stomach first began it's rampage.

This hot weather gets the bugs brewing doesn't it?  I almost puked like 10 times...I KNOW, that's a big deal for me. 

Of course, the doc just told me to chillax and drink plenty of fluids blah blah blah...I scored myself some Xanax, a Reglan shot, and a referral to the GI doc.  I got some Prilosec and some Lactaid for all my other issues. So, I've been pretty messed up as of late.
I started getting better, but then I had a bit of whiskey, cuz I heard it was good for the stomach, but instead it made me worse! Laughable, really...
So, NAI, I should call you, but I'm writing a blog and I know you will read this 'cause you care about me, haha: I haven't been able to get the dress...I came so close, but then a mighty wave of nausea sent me rushing home. I can't do anything right now. I can't even work, or go to acting classes. Ugh.
The last few days have really tested my physical and emotional strength. I've come so close to breaking down and doing things I should absolutely not do. Thank God my sister has been with me all week, helping me get through all my troubles.
I'll be myself soon. My stomach has got to be the mightiest stomach of all the world after all its been through.

Mmm, Jun 19, 2008, 7:13 AM

extra dirty vodka martini, stirred for lack of shaker, and shredded cheese straight into the mouth.


yummerz

I WANNA SEE!, Jun 5, 2008 , 9:24 PM

HAHA

There IS a reason for everything..., Jun 2, 2008 , 9:34 PM

Odd. At a time where I can spend hours a day crying my eyes out from being stabbed in the back by someone I held so close, and being forced to walk away from the last 3.5 years of my life, the Divine One showered me with the love of my closest friends and family.
Jill, Richard, the opening of SATC, Kat, Marjie, Nailah,  Caley, rehearsal, and my mom...they all appeared when I never could have needed their company the most.  It's surreal how all this has happened, I was never left in the chaos of my own disparing thoughts...it was a miracle.
There must be a reason for what has happened. I've always strived to be good. I may have a problem trusting those who are secretive toward me, but I've always had good intentions. I think when you strive to be righteous, you'll realize it all doesn't happen to you.  It happens for you.
It was all so touching, I even paid respects at my local church. All I know is, I better be one hell of a tough cookie in the end. I'm as grateful as I can be.

LOVE BLOG, May 30, 2008, 6:14 PM

This is the drunken post where i tell everyone how much i love them. The truth syrum has taken its course, i forgot how to spell syrum, LOLLOLOL

I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU BOOZE
I LOVE YOU MARJ
I LOVE YOU NAI FOR ALWAYS BEING HTERE
I LOVE YOU MAC, YOU WERE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE
I LOVE YOU JUSTIN AND SHAME, YOU SHOWED ME A NEW OWRLD
I LOVE YOU FRIENDS FROM 2003 WHERE I LEARNED MORE FROM MY SHELTERED LIFE, FROM ANYTHING I'VE EVER LEARNED BEFOREl:
TODD, ALYSSE, ASJE;LY, TASJA. AARONM ARCOTT, YOU SEXY GAY MOTHA FUCKR, TIM, HEAD, OMG EVERYONE
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE YOU
AND IF I NEVER TOLD YOU, I AMM SOOOOO SORRY,
I LOVE ALL OF YOU

WITHOUT YOU I WOULDN'T BE THE FUCKED UP LOVABLE MOTHER FUCKR THAT I AM TODAY, LOLERGASHSNATCHHOOKAH-SMOKE A JOINT??? YEAJJJHHH RIGHT NIGGG.
I NEED A CIGGY MY NIGGY WERD. NICK TREAT MARJ RIGHT YOU FUKR.
LOL

I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU MUTHAS, MICHELLE, REGAN, LILY--YOU MUTHA FUKRS, U BAD.

I LOVE MY FAMILY
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE MY SIIIIIIIIIISTER, KAT. EVERYONE
I WISH I COULD LIVE MY WORLD AS I AM NOW.
ASHLEY, GOD BLESS YOU.

THINGS HAVE BEEEN.....OOOOOH SHITTY.

BUT HEY, I'LL MOVE FORWARD. I LIVE IN MANY WORLDS.
THANKS FOR SHWING ME HOPE YOU STRANGERDAD FROM AFAR, WE'LL NEVER BE, BUT YOU WERE FREAKIN' AN EPITOMY.

OMG, HEATHERROCKS.

I LOVE HER. AND I LOVE U GUYS.
BUT I BELIEVE IN GOD SO YOU WON'T SEE ME DISAPEARING NOWHERE.
omg jon will, omg there's so many of u, ummmm michael, SBC, um all a you's who've partied on my fuckin roof
punkboard, lol, las vegas, omg camping i lOVUZE

i love vodka. vodka makes me remember all the good fuckn time s in sd and la, and i live off the coast, cuz frisco was BOMB, fuckin rey you mother fucker, i love you

i love music, i love singing, i love the BERG where i learned why acting calls for the big bucks. 

LOOOOVE ALL AROUND. I MEAN NO HARM. I'M A SIMPLE PERSON WITH A DREAM, AND GOD FORBID I EVER LOSE IT.

I AM WHO I AM.
SO, i drink alone every now and then, and i deal evety now and then.

but i WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR JOVI.

YOUR'S.
I LOVE ALL OF YOUUUUU.
HOOOVERS 4EVR. BANG BANG BANG.
OMG. you guys have it lucky, don't ever take it forgranted. don't ever lose the party. rock on 4evr.
i ain't going nowhere, just into the realm of alcohol and happiness, those two hold hands. hate me. love me. i will always be...

JUST JOVI.
OMG JILL AND R4ICHAED, YOUR COMING OVER TONIGHT TO WATCH SATC WITH ME!!!! OMG, I'LL BE SOBER BY THEN.

i looooooooooooooooooove you tooooooo!

and all my blog readers, i'm sorry. looooooooooooooooove youuuuU!!!!!!!!

Talk Talk, v,11:15 PM

So, I lost a Myspace friend today.  A very, very special one. The ironic part is I feel like a part of me died. Way to go Myspace.
Words.  The pen is mightier than the sword...no shit, man. Words can slay or leave a wound more enduring than any cut made by a blade.  Thank God there's such a thing as language, otherwise words would reek their havoc.
My friend was willing to lose me, permanently.  It hurts, but when I think of the power of words, the result isn't too far-fetched.  I was filled with panic, grief, guilt, and regret, because I missed a few words, while typing out several hundred others on impulse.
It sort of hurts that words can make or break me, but I guess that's the reality of life. Words always threatened my relationship with this friend, and language was of hardly any help. What do you do when words mean the same and language carries context differently? Conflict. Time was our only ally.
Will this friend forgive me? I hope so. If I lose one more person in my life, I swear...I could lose my mind, though, i'm scared now.  all it took was words...
Words.




I could use a serious dose of Sex and the City. Man, o' man...

I’m a Nomad by Nature,May 23, 2008, 9:10 PM

I want to leave again. Not forever, but at least for this weekend.

I want to see Seattle.  I left that place in my childhood, and I've been meaning to go back. Maybe I'll just fuckin' book it.
Life is too short.
I can't give up. I've given up too much to be here.

Come with me. Few ever really do...

Hopes, May 7, 2008, 11:34 PM

May 7, 2008

Hopes

I've been having some of the best dreams lately.  They're very realistic and just, the perfection that I wish life was. 
Don't get me wrong, I believe I endured my share of nightmares the week before from quitting smoking again. Darn withdrawals...
Anyway...my first and very vivid dream, was of me seeing myself in an article, decked out in a sleeveless, flowy, white couture gown with a cinched waist, and the same haircut.  My image donned the announcement of my third Oscar, a day after the Academy Awards. I was thinner, but not so much, and still rocked the mullet...I was able to read the article twice in my dream; read the same words over twice, which is weird because dreams don't work like that! It was so real...I'm holding on to it as a sign. THE SECRET...
My second dream, I was with a handsome gentleman, who made me laugh, and opened doors for me, held my hand and kissed it, and spent a day with me, watching my every move in adoration...he was a man of fantasy and yet familiar in face and voice as someone I admire in real life.  We laughed and talked, he loved me, and it was perfect.
Then of course, for such dreams...the worst part is waking up. First with a sense of wonder-and then reality kicks in and you're back to the drawing board.
I'd rather live the dreams these days, more than anything.

Hey Friends!, May 1, 2008, 11:57 PM

So, I took some LA caliber headshots that put my San Diego ones to some serious shame. 

Out of 442 shots, I give you 24 to look at. Tell me which 2 u think I should use! =)

It all sounds so...wtf ! Doesn't it?

I'm Mildy Worried, Apr 29, 2008, 8:35 AM

I totally drank prop rum mixed with prop Dr. Pepper, in a prop glass, incognito during acting class with a fellow classmate.

It was freakn' awsome. And I'm a freakn' alchy.

Oh, the peoples of Long Beach call me Bam Jovi. How about THEM APPLES!

downward spiral, Apr 25, 2008, 7:15 AM

i don't know what to do.

i feel like i'm just losing people faster than i can gain them up here.

i need help letting san diego go i guess. but it keeps coming back and being so wonderful to me...or reminds me of how wonderful it was.
i wish i believed it was all a facade.
i just feel like its too late. like, i've already cut ties. and now that i've cut ties with someone really vital to me, it just feels like i've thrown my self into negative numbers with the amount of support i have.
i feel so weak. someone tell me how to survive this.

i just spent a day with old friends and then had to say goodbye to them again.  i love that i see them, but also hate it, because it reminded me of being so happy...

Put Put, Apr 19, 2008, 4:11 PM

I just replaced my car battery and alternator two weeks ago, and yet, my car still managed to die on me today.
Sitting in my lemon, I just let myself loose in acceptance.  Ha, go on, give it to me; luck was never my thing. This is independent living, huh? On your own;  completely on your own.  Other people are so lucky to have their groups of friends always there to rescue them.  I just figured, if I can pull through this single, independent life, I'll be that much stronger.
Then again, I wonder if it will make me that much more bitter and callous...why am I so alone?  I never wanted to be Miss Universe! I wish I had a choice in how strong I was to be! No one loves me enough to be near me...
Heh, that can throw me down a very dark well of self pity and loathing...so I'll resist going there for as long as I can. God, I feel like a time bomb...waiting to just give up, instead of explode.
It could have been worse...I could have been on the freeway, like last time. Luckily this time, I was parked in front of an auto dealership and they had a charging machine thing.  Hell, I should get myself one of those.
Please, God...just throw something good at me.  Something really, really good.  Please, let me feel absolute joy even for a moment.  I need just a little boost...I'm growing so weary.

fing, Apr 14, 2008, 11:05 PM

oh god. just ram me in the heart with your largest dagger. 
make it one burning in fire and sharpened by your most jagged cliff.

oh god...

everyone is telling me to stop moping. my friend wanted to slap me today. like, seriously.  for being mopy and retarded and playing sad songs and walking around like a zombie with lead shoes.
WHY!? why can't i just grieve!? AM I NOT HUMAN!? i FEEEEEEEEEEL THINGS...In fact, why even offer me your condolences if you're going to slap me or recommend i see a shrink even!?
FUCK OFF.
I'm sorry. Just...ignore me.



jeebus. 
my house is a mess. my dishes are dirty and smelly; i have to dip my bread straight into the peanut butter jar for a meal. my cat is neglected. i sleep on a mountain of dirty and clean clothes...
i wish i knew how to get out of this all too consuming fuzz.

Fickle, Apr 14, 2008, 12:15 AM

wow. just wow.

just wow.


maybe i should hurry too, and make everything disappear.
 reality just slapped me on the face.
i feel like everything that was said, about guilt, and love, and friendship was all talk, and it's definitely not any of my business anymore. loud and clear, i hear ya.
wow.

SO. Friends Forever?, Apr 12, 2008, 2:14 AM

  Hi Mac. So, I guess we're just friends forever now, eh?

k

MAAAAC.

k

NOOOOO. Say something.

so tierdf

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... tell everyone what happened to us. it's a blog you know

stuff

we're calling it quits for controlling each other's lives? mind you, i never attempted controlling your life, EVER.

right.

MAC! say something meaningful. its the end of an era.

i like you and bacon

...Hm.  I love you too. BUT i guess that's the end of that shit

blogs are stupid

but this is a SPECIAL BLOG.  say something special

that doesnt make it any less stupid

Mac, will you be my friend FOREVER???

::strokes chin:: hmmm....



k

yay! boo. sorta sad.  breaking up is hard to do.

yup

Things have been looking up, finally, Mar 28, 2008, 7:49 PM

And, I always knew they would...


Yeah right. We all know I’ve been a pit of dispair.

But, this week has had some awesome developments, and the laws of attraction are at work for me. 

I have an Angelino bestfriend.  She looks like me, acts like me (when I was younger), and has the same sense of humor as me.  I consider her my protige, but of course, the girl has got her shit down too.  Today her dad made me the best fucking sandwich, I’ve ever had from someone else’s dad. Roast beef, queso fresca (or whatever you call it), dill spread, between two fat slices of buttered pumpernickel (I don’t know how to spell that), bread. She’s been an awesome addition to my once, very lonesome life.  She has been, as she likes to boast, a ray of sunshine to my dark days.  Bad news; she smokes and has tempted me to share a few tokes with her. All my hard work, I know!

The event for the day, is my poor little protige took a pregnancy test and I was the first to know that she was expecting.  Tsk, tsk, tsk...yep, a lil’ slut, just like me.  Sike!

Along with meeting people, I have an awesome scene partner from my acting class.  He’s a New Yorker, with a resume containing a slew of off-broadway lead roles, boasting the skills of a handy carpenter (his day job), and the intelligence of a collegiate of the theater arts.  Plus, he’s a good looking fellow and has the most awesome roomates. 

I went to his house last night for rehearsal, and enjoyed one hell of a view of LA off his backyard patio.  People were rehearsing a movie when I got there so it felt like a party (thank God).  My scene partner and his roomates shared their booze with me-which is always a huge plus in my book.

Tomorrow, a pair of my best San Diego friends will be joining me for a trip to Disneyland!!! I haven’t been there in about 2 years, so I’m pretty excited!

As you can see, I got myself a faux mullet.  I didn’t know it would be anything near a mullet, but I guess it is. Hell, I added some red highlites, it looks hot.  My bad. Whatever, I like it. HAHA.

blippity blahs, Mar 12, 2008, 8:39 PM

well.
he left.
and i cried a little.
again.


argh!

FOCUS, JOVI.  FOCUS.

sometimes i really have to wonder...if its all worth it.
him. my friends. my family.

all i know is laughing all day...everyday...
has become so rare.


each moment is my treasure.

The Borg, Mar 7, 2008, 9:52 PM

Yesterday, a co-worker told me: " Jovi, I'm not trying to be critical...but if I didn't know you, I would think you were a weirdo."

Hm...what does that mean!??????

I ventured to find out by asking my other co-workers.  One co-worker said: "What's wierd!?  What's normal!? Haha, no Jovi.  It's just that you're not a follower and that's cool."

Cool.  I like that answer.

Then I asked another co-worker who said: "You're not wierd.  You're just...a foreigner.  You're not from LA.  You can really tell who's from LA and who's not."  She commenced naming some other co-workers who were quite quirky, and who also happened to be from out of town.  I wasn't sure how to take that I was placed in the quirky catagory. I wasn't sure I liked the other people she named...

Another co-worker I asked said, "Nah, you're cool."  But, I barely knew that co-worker, and my friend who originally called me weird reminded me of that.  I guess his opinion is moot.

Apperently, my wierdness is well known at my place of work.  I belong in the weirdo category...whatever the hell that means.

My theory is this:  People from LA are typically a bunch of robotic followers. Like, the Borg.  They can be loveable, don't get me wrong, just don't hum to a tune in a puppy-whimper sounding voice unless you're ready for someone to question your whereabouts.


The end.

Those small successes in life..., Feb 26, 2008, 7:34 PM

    This is the best week of my life here so far!  Last night, I did my scene in front of all my classmates.  My teacher loved my perfomance.  He said, "My instincts were right about you, Jovi.  Excellent, excellent work!  I knew you'd be a fast learner.  You defnitely don't belong in a beginner's class, if I'd seen you audition, I would've placed you in the Intermediate class right away.  I'm very, very surprised at where you are at. I want to see you bring this scene even deeper."

  Finally, someone cared to see me.  Finally.  And it's an acting teacher who's words are like pearls of wisdom to me.  Teaching philosophies beyond the mediocre shit I've seen around the block.

  For the first time, my entire week is booked with school, dinners, acting classes, a performance...I feel alive again.  And everything about life is dappled in color.  Right before today...I didn't know how to pull myself out from such a deep hole of lifelessness.  I decided to take what I have in front of me, and attempt to sweep away all that is toxic in my life, from habits, to people.  This isn't easy...but I'm in the process of practicing.  I'm learning to love myself.

The Pier, Feb 23, 2008, 8:48 PM

I've joined an acting class taught by two Master of Fine Arts graduates from the Yale School of Drama; which is the school with alumni as recognizable as Chris Noth, Meryl Streep, Sigourney Weaver, Edward Norton, etc. My acting partner is a 41 year old real estate fellow who's nice.  I hated to have to kiss him so much though...but I guess I have to get used to such discomforts.  I'm doing the "You make me want to be a better man" scene from "As Good as it Gets." 

One of the sweetest things about living in LA as an actress, is constantly being surrounded by your dream.  While practicing my scene in Balboa Park in Sherman Oaks (I know), there were studio trailers set up, probably for a TV project.  There was also another actor rehearsing his lines with a script in hand. I never saw such things on a random day in San Diego.  Los Angeles is a working movie studio, I tell you! Additionaly, the residents are hardly fazed by such sights anymore.  No one bothered to check out the set.

A powerful feeling of belonging entered me and I felt like I was on set for one of my own movies...the feeling was amazingly strong, and I let it become my life, even if for a moment. THE SECRET...

When acting practice ended, I cancelled my original plan to go to San Diego this weekend because Mac chose to go to a boy's night-which really bummed me out.  I had gone to SD the last weekend and I was tired of being the only one who cared to keep within each others reach. So, I guessed this would be my weekend alone and decided to get used to it.  I figure I'll be feeling this way a lot, since I've decided to cut down my SD visits, in an effort to assimilate.

To not let the feeling of lonliness get to me, I took a venture to Santa Monica pier..  I wanted to ride the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel but sadly, they didn't allow single people to ride on the Ferris wheel due to a safety concern. So, I had to say "oh well" to that.  The whole thing just felt ironic.

I hopped on the roller coaster, as a loner, and what began as somewhat embarrassment, turned into uncontrolled laughter as the g-forces tickled my insides.  For a moment, nothing else mattered other than the feeling of freedom I experienced as weight ceased to exist.

When I grew hungry I went to a little grill restaurant, ordered the seafood combination plate and a bottle of Heineken.  I wanted to give myself a real treat and enjoy the day on the patio.

There, I was joined by a legion of pigeons and brown birds, all watching my feasting; they reminded me of hungry pirates with their missing limbs.  One particular pigeon, I will never forget, had one eye. He was a brave one!  No matter how I tried to shoo him with my hand, he remained steadfast to "eye-balling" me eat; dodging my blows.  I began to like the intruder so I fed him some breading...and chuckled at him for being so courageous.

It began to rain cats and dogs so I drove off and found myself at a thrift shop in Venice Beach where I spent an entire hour browsing nick-knacks.  I enjoy a good treasure hunting once in a while.  And, it had been a very long while.

Ha, I bought a Tae Bo video, "As Good as it Gets," and "Blade Runner" for 2 bucks each to curl up to. Yeah...what a day.

I Invented a New Slang Phrase!, Feb 8, 2008, 8:26 PM

free willy-v.  to act single and play the date game.


ex. Benny's girlfriend split so he decided to free willy.



 Thanks fo reading.

What a Drag, Feb 1, 2008, 12:06 AM

the hours feel so slow tonight.  this whole week feels so slow.  my life has been drastically simplified to work, finding auditions, and sleep.

i mean this is what i came here for afterall.  God, I would love it here if I didn't have this void. 

i found a lone cigarette in a box i bought december of last year. heh...

i smoked it. it gave me a high...but it kinda sucked too. it hurt my throat. well, now i have none, so hey.

sigh...

geez man. it's cold.  i look like frumplestiltskin trying to get warm.

i can't get close to anyone.  everyone likes to go clubbing and talk shit about their own friends...that's all they ever talk about.  well, i guess i'm just talking about my co-workers because that's all i've met.

i've perused people sites to see if i could meet someone, you know. someone to hang out with that clicks with me.

but i can't get myself to sign up for that shit.

i know i chose this but i didn't expect to feel so abandoned and not worth the time of day...or a two hour drive. don't worry...i'm not talking about most of you.

i really don't mind that most of you don't waste your gas...i mean, i don't have much to offer here anyway.

i used to be able to have a house for partying, with kareoke, hookahs, kegs, a roof, sometimes a dj; for making friends and all.

i couldn't throw a party in my little hole even if i wanted to...though i'm slowly starting to move towards risking it.



i wish i could go out alone late at night without worrying about being harassed...just so i can find more people like me.