Friday, November 18, 2005 I Fear

I wish I could be a person who could be counted on when someone is sick.  The fact is I am the worst person to count on if you were sick. 

I don't understand sickness...and I all too easily relate it to death.  If you are sick, to me, you are dying, and I get overwhelmed by this powerful feeling of panic and helplessness.  I don't want to see you die.  I freak out.  Vomiting, for example, freaks me out because I don't do it. I don't think my body even knows how to do it...(believe me I've tried) so it’s unnatural to me and therefore, tada!, you are dying in my eyes.
So I flee.

But it's not just running.  This is a high panic induced mechanism that overtakes all logic. I almost cannot control the response.
I'm crazy, I know. 

One night, my sister could have died because I wasn't able to help her. I couldn't mentally.  She was on the toilet, possibly alcohol poisoned and all I could do was hand her a pitcher of water and practically flee.  She couldn't help herself! But, I was freaked out.  She might have been dying!

After the situation, I found myself burried in the couch, shaking, clammy fingered, crying, angry, and guilty. 
Luckily, for me, she was fine. But, I will always hate myself for that.

It makes sense that I respect medication so much.  It makes or masks you into being well.  I take pills for all the symptoms when I feel them...

I told myself that, until I get over this disability...I could never see myself getting married, or having kids.  I don't want to be responsible if they were in a life or death situation with sickness and I could do nothing to help because I lost grip and fled.

I think if I allowed someone I loved to die when I could have helped- I would go insane, maybe suicidal.  Though, I think everyone would.

A part of me knows, that in a real life or death situation, my mind would blank, and I would take action...but I worry and fear the one day that I lose it.  And that sick loved one under my care...

I choke at the very thought of it; tears swell at the very thought of it.  God forbid.

Only a few have known of my weakness until now, but I think that maybe its better that people are aware of it.

I don't want anyone to count on me when they are sick...for I fear that I may fail them.