Why am I so sad right now?
Lately, I've been missing my mom, my grandma, my dad...my sister...I've been missing my childhood...
I constantly reminisce of when I was free to play, create and imagine. There were three of us siblings. We loved each other and couldn't live without each other.
Moving around so much in a military family, we were each other's best friends. We built fortresses, destroyed monsters, confided in each other, thought on the same ground, and were bound by each others' sides. My childhood has become merely a subtle memory. And, I realize that as the years pass, the more I'm likely to forget it.
That was a time when I barely thought about the trivialities such of death, bills, gas, bad health, or life obstacles. That was a time when I felt the strength of my faith all around me or seething through life examples; like my grandma.
My grandma...She exuded such strength. She amazed me because she always fervently held tight to hope, optimism, and Faith; all the traits that I seem to barely cling to now, and took on life with a persistance and tenacity none that I have never seen since. She was afraid of nothing and nothing could destroy her. It was mostly through her that my belief in God became undeniable.
I remember feeling that when the time came that she died, I would never learn to live without her...well, she left me almost seven or ten years ago. I don't remember the day it happened; I was in the longest phase of denial and I doubt I'll ever know the date of her passing.
I almost wonder if happiness itself will dissolve as I get older...as we get older...
Then, I feel like I will never be happy romantically. There are still those dreams of romance, passion, and of being adored; the dreams of being swept off my feet and of pleasant surprises; the dreams involving the right place and the right time; dreams of not being afraid of getting hurt; dreams of shared inner beliefs and morals; the dreams of being with someone who wants to understand what makes me tick.
I've grown to think I've latched on to fairy tale stories...still, I've seen them exist with other people. Just not with me. Maybe, I'm the one who keeps those dreams from ever coming true because I am so cynical.
Maybe, I'll never let myself be happy.
I want to live a full life...right now, everything feels so superficial.
It just feels like I'm missing something...no, I think I know what is missing and it's eating me up...
I'm lonely.
Lately, I've been missing my mom, my grandma, my dad...my sister...I've been missing my childhood...
I constantly reminisce of when I was free to play, create and imagine. There were three of us siblings. We loved each other and couldn't live without each other.
Moving around so much in a military family, we were each other's best friends. We built fortresses, destroyed monsters, confided in each other, thought on the same ground, and were bound by each others' sides. My childhood has become merely a subtle memory. And, I realize that as the years pass, the more I'm likely to forget it.
That was a time when I barely thought about the trivialities such of death, bills, gas, bad health, or life obstacles. That was a time when I felt the strength of my faith all around me or seething through life examples; like my grandma.
My grandma...She exuded such strength. She amazed me because she always fervently held tight to hope, optimism, and Faith; all the traits that I seem to barely cling to now, and took on life with a persistance and tenacity none that I have never seen since. She was afraid of nothing and nothing could destroy her. It was mostly through her that my belief in God became undeniable.
I remember feeling that when the time came that she died, I would never learn to live without her...well, she left me almost seven or ten years ago. I don't remember the day it happened; I was in the longest phase of denial and I doubt I'll ever know the date of her passing.
I almost wonder if happiness itself will dissolve as I get older...as we get older...
Then, I feel like I will never be happy romantically. There are still those dreams of romance, passion, and of being adored; the dreams of being swept off my feet and of pleasant surprises; the dreams involving the right place and the right time; dreams of not being afraid of getting hurt; dreams of shared inner beliefs and morals; the dreams of being with someone who wants to understand what makes me tick.
I've grown to think I've latched on to fairy tale stories...still, I've seen them exist with other people. Just not with me. Maybe, I'm the one who keeps those dreams from ever coming true because I am so cynical.
Maybe, I'll never let myself be happy.
I want to live a full life...right now, everything feels so superficial.
It just feels like I'm missing something...no, I think I know what is missing and it's eating me up...
I'm lonely.
8:05 PM
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