Thursday, August 10, 2006 JoV.MARS Updated. (This means more pictures!)

I worked eight hours today at my normal day job and it felt like nothing at all.  A moment later and, boom; it was time to go home. 
I faced 16 hour days, 8 hours with another 8 of overtime each day with probably 2 pounds of make-up and hairspray on.  With a 3 day SAG contract, (and the experience itself) it was all worth it.  Life sure feels brand new after my debut on "Veronica Mars."
It was amazing.  I was given a piece of Star Wagon where I made myself comfortable before hair and make-up, or in between takes, or to change.  (Some photos of my little space at 5:30 am:)





Before make-up:

AFTAH!

I got to meet, eat, play, and work side by side with: Dan Castellaneta, Rider Strong, Samm Levine, Delilah Andre, Jason Dohring, Percy Daggs III, and Kristin Bell.  Kristin was there only one day, but with the rest of the gang, it was like summer camp.


This is Delilah.  She's also a model.
Samm's friend, who is a national sky-diving instructor with over 3600 jumps under his belt, came to visit too (right of Delilah.)
We were fed catered and gourmet food, three times a day. And, I had a Director's Chair of my own!

It was typical to endure 20-30 takes, 5-7 angles, and three hours worth, per scene...they worked those available hours, all right.
The second day was shot at SDSU.  This is one of the real SDSU food courts.  And it's also about 3am.

That was when it dawned on me that I was filming nearby The Living Room, my hangout for the last three years...the place should have seemed familiar, and yet it was transformed, that night, into the place I shot a professional TV show.
My character didn't have much to say; about two lines worth.  However, upon analyzing it, I realized that I was a sort of "Silent Bob."  The script even said, right before my lines, "Female Prisoner finally speaks up."  My lines were anticipated; made to be anticipated by the opposing characters and the audience...I felt proud.  Most of the best work, in acting, has been done in silence; Rain Man. 
The director gave me a lot of face time on camera...He wanted me to react, react, react, action, movement, emotion through body language; that was exactly what I did.  One time, during an emotional part, the camera right at my face, I revealed strong, but silent emotion, and received an applause from the actors and director that surrounded me. 
Among the cast, I felt real inspiration from only one member.  He seemed to really believe in me.  It was Jason Dohring.  He told me to just move to LA, snag three jobs, and I'd be set.  When he told me that, I truly believed him.  He kept patting my back, and encouraging me when earlier, most of the actors regarded me as some newbie.  He got out of his way to talk to me, being that I would sit alone sometimes and even though my stories were less glamorous than of the more prestigous actors there.  Here, he posed as a super hero for me:
  
I also shared a memorable and very down to earth conversation, with Percy, on the first day. (Quick picture to jog the memory of those who haven't seen the candybar commercials with Shaq:)

It was like talking to a close friend. (Percy's sister, Selena, was there too- she's so cool.)
Samm Levine, a professional at such a young age (check him on IMdb, he'll star in Pulse the movie this weekend), kept entertaining us with undeniable wit.  He was such an intelligent man. 
Of course, Homer revealed himself, through voice several times, with several lines, and laughs.  Often, he'd step aside for Krusty or the bartender.  Castellanetta is a legend.  He was the biggest star there and received a full range applause every time he left the set. 
Oh, I forgot Jonathan Halyalkar.  He's one crazy guy with hippy ideals...but he's cool too; very friendly.

I was so absorbed in the whole experience. 
You know when your work starts invading your dreams and waking moments?  I got to that point.  I'd wake up the next day thinking that a camera, lights, and crew were there, only to shake them off with my first yawn.  Real life isn't real life for me anymore, not after that.
I realized what I wanted and what I had to do to have it.  I want to live my dream more than ever.  I'm seriously considering moving to LA in the near future.  I have to make it happen.
My debut should be the first Tuesday of October. I'll be sure to let everyone know somehow, when the time rolls around.  I didnt want to take too many pictures and seem unprofessional, but Delilah took a great group photo with her digital camera that she should be sending me in the email soon; I'll surely post it.
THE UPDATE:
Here are the photos that my costars took and sent me via email:
Samm, Delilah, Myself

I got cut out in this one, meh...

Ugh...I don't like the next two very much...but here goes:


TV actors are wee people.  Jason Dohring was the only normal sized man. Haha!

Tada!
On a side note:  I apologize, but, I won't be giving out any spoilers to anyone.  I firmly believe in movie/TV/Theater Magic...the anticipation of what's to come is half the journey to a fulfilling story. Any great actor would never risk the power of the story.
Much love.

8:54 PM

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 HI

MOM.


(She reads, I discovered yesterday, and wants to show my blog to all her friends; but I use too many cuss words, drink too much, and party with too many guys. Right, Ma? Shiiiieeet.)

11:25 PM

Tuesday, July 18, 2006 Avoided

at all costs.
why do i get punished for hurting...why.....?
it's hurting more so, now.
why?


EDIT-
Things resolved that night.  It seems we were hurting ourselves rather than each other. Crazies.

11:24 PM

Friday, July 14, 2006 The Truth About the Funny Fat Girl

...She gets a SAG eligible, recurrent, speaking role on a critically acclaimed TV show called, "Veronica Mars."

Here's the Fat Girl's story:

CASTING! Cathy. An overweight high school girl with three lines.

The Agent:  Jovi, Stu Segall productions wants you to audition for them (for the 100th time).  Can you go?

Jovi:  I sure will.  It'll be good to see Candice, (the Casting Director who knows me by name and whom I shared a personal conversation about her first born child being the best thing she's ever done in her life) again!
::Jovi flashbacks to the one audition where she was cast and then immediately not cast, with Candice, because the role was switched to be a male part. Jovi figures, "Hell. Why not try again."::

She goes to the studio.  Stu Segall Productions.  She rehearses her three lines.

Her fat girl scene takes place in the hallway of the high school where pair of immature teenage boys judge the beauty of girls that walk by; on a scale from one to ten.  A really hot girl passed by and scored an 8.

Cathy, the "pleasantly plump" girl (Jovi) nervously walks the gauntlet.
 Snap (a skinny black guy, said within a cough) "FOUR!"

Cathy: Grow up!

Cut.

New scene in a classroom taught by the incredibly hot Dr. Landry.

Cathy (to Veronica Mars):  Skip class? I'm going to staple myself to the floor.

Cut.

Dr. Landry switched slides on power point.  A list of books appear on the screen

Professor Landry: Here's your reading list for the semester,

Cathy:  What about your book, Dr. Landry?

END SCENE.

THE AUDITION: Candice is sitting next to another male director that Jovi has never met. He runs the audition.

Director:  Any questions before we begin, Jovi?

Jovi: Is she (Cathy) supposed to be seductive?

Director:  No, she's more excited. Enthused.

(Jovi, being a theater actress, says all her lines with full gusto. The first line was said perfectly. But the director tells her to bring down the last two lines to a more natural level.) 

Jovi changes and says in a controlled, but high level  of enthusiasm:

"What about your...book...Dr. Landry? *sigh*" (Cathy swoons.)

The director chuckles!  "Excellent adjustment, Jovi! Thanks."

The next day, Elegance Talent Agency calls Jovi at her desk at work; announcing that, after a long time of auditioning with Stu Segall Productions, the directors wanted Jovi on board for a recurring role.  Thus, to be paid the SAG rate, and to star as, not the pleasantly plump Cathy, but rather a Female Prisoner who remains nameless for now.

A massive text message was sent out to all her nearest and dearest.

It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

6:44 PM

Friday, July 07, 2006 Maybe it's PMS

Why am I so sad right now?

Lately, I've been missing my mom, my grandma, my dad...my sister...I've been missing my childhood...
I constantly reminisce of when I was free to play, create and imagine. There were three of us siblings.  We loved each other and couldn't live without each other. 

Moving around so much in a military family, we were each other's best friends.  We built fortresses, destroyed monsters, confided in each other, thought on the same ground, and were bound by each others' sides. My childhood has become merely a subtle memory. And, I realize that as the years pass, the more I'm likely to forget it.

That was a time when I barely thought about the trivialities such of death, bills, gas, bad health, or life obstacles.  That was a time when I felt the strength of my faith all around me or seething through life examples; like my grandma. 

My grandma...She exuded such strength.  She amazed me because she always fervently held tight to hope, optimism, and Faith; all the traits that I seem to barely cling to now, and took on life with a persistance and tenacity none that I have never seen since.  She was afraid of nothing and nothing could destroy her.  It was mostly through her that my belief in God became undeniable. 

I remember feeling that when the time came that she died, I would never learn to live without her...well, she left me almost seven or ten years ago.  I don't remember the day it happened; I was in the longest phase of denial and I doubt I'll ever know the date of her passing.

I almost wonder if happiness itself will dissolve as I get older...as we get older...

Then, I feel like I will never be happy romantically.  There are still those dreams of romance, passion, and of being adored; the dreams of being swept off my feet and of pleasant surprises; the dreams involving the right place and the right time; dreams of not being afraid of getting hurt; dreams of shared inner beliefs and morals; the dreams of being with someone who wants to understand what makes me tick.

I've grown to think I've latched on to fairy tale stories...still, I've seen them exist with other people.  Just not with me.  Maybe, I'm the one who keeps those dreams from ever coming true because I am so cynical. 

Maybe, I'll never let myself be happy.

I want to live a full life...right now, everything feels so superficial.

It just feels like I'm missing something...no, I think I know what is missing and it's eating me up...

I'm lonely.

8:05 PM

Saturday, July 01, 2006 Illegals

Thurday, I became an illiterate, non-English speaking, slum-living, greasy, ratty piece, of what is politically termed as Human Traffic.  I'm not sure I liked how illegal immigrants were represented in this industrial film, but-being in the shoot was fun.

Here was the set in Escondido at the lovely, but way hick, area of Lake Wohlford. It was also fucking hot.


This was the lovely cafe that we ate at and pretty much treated like our Green Room.

The set up was a simple one where they harnessed natural lighting. We were on the only entry and exit ramp of the camp, so we had to constantly  move all the set out of the way for incoming and outgoing cars.





In the video, a Mandarin worker at a construction site gets shot by a nail gun:

The police come, due to the commotion:


The Police realize they have themselves a group of illegal immigrants.

(Our butts were burning in this scene.They are crying inside.  All of them.)
The cops find out where the illegals live in between days of labor:

There, they find two illegal women:

(The dark circles under my eyes were placed there on purpose.)

This chick is actually a model and couldn't act at all...she lived in Chula Vista during the time I did.  She's borrowing my shirt because wardrobe didn't think she was ratty enough.  Apperently, being ratty was no problem for me.
The Mandarin man is arrested for housing human traffic while the rest of the people are provided shelter, legal services, and translators. (Us)

(Sprits of water were sprayed in our hair to make us look greasy.)
We are supposed to look well taken care of by this point.  The original lines included that the people were to be provided attorneys, but the Police had it changed to a more generic, "Legal Services."  We originally had sodas and water in our hands in this scene, but the police had those removed because that wouldn't happen in real life.
Here, more cops join the scene to lead the rookies through the routine of a human traffic situation.


All is "well" in the end.
Real San Diego cops:

...the place was a little scary. (Remember their faces...they may pull you over one day.)
And President Bush was there:

Just kidding.

This was the sound guy.  During lunch he told us stories of when he was in his twenties, a hardcore alcoholic, stoner, loser, and his present fantasies of doing E with Chron for recreation.
I thought I was supposed to look like a farmer, so I bought this sun hat from 711 earlier that day:

But, the Farmer Scene was shot with a bunch of "Mexicans" the day before, where they were all crammed under a mattress and plywood in the bed of a truck.

That was my 9 to 5 day as an Illegal.  Farewell Lake Wohlford.  It was fun.

9:48 AM

Monday, June 19, 2006 Summer BBQs at the JOHO's Have Begun

Ok.  The first one taken place was actually thrown this recent Saturday, but it wasn't under my charge believe it or not.  Rachel, my sis-in-law, threw it!  That's right!  The gal who never comes out to party is on a partying roll.  Also,  Joe controlled the Kareoke where he sang some good 'Ol Blue Eyes tunes.  They stayed out the entire night--where if you can't tell by context, is something that they never, ever, have done.

She threw a graduation party from 5pm to 12am (early end but some things aren't meant to change. haha)  We had the grill out cooking: burgers, steak, Filipino food, and so much booze, I just kept taking those shots, man.

So many people were there, mostly for Rachel's sister, who is a  new graduate of UC Irvine.
The party rolled similarly to how my old parties used to be.  Drinking games (Kings), Hookah, Cigs, Karaoke, Guitar Hero (=P),  Justin DJing punk and rock'n roll as dancing and bed-moshing went on in my room--craziness over the everflowing Booze. (Vodkas, beers, Taquillas, Champagnes...so on.) Single shots, double shots, Waterfalls...you know.

I've come to this observation, however, college kids cannot hold their liquor as there are 6 puddles of filipino puke in my backyard. (Justin and I went on a scavenger hunt for them the next morning.) Haha! Rachel's bathroom, that's right it was open folks, smelled of stomach bile on the floor the next day.
Reminiscent of a party of long ago, my hookah ended up broken...it was a sign of the old good-times having returned. 

It wasn't my place to have my friends, but Mac obviously was there, and for his sake-Justin was also there. 
Still, my name was reinvented to Marsha, and the Lady of the Day was named Dr. Lizzy where we tackled the night arm in arm.

There was drama, there were tears, there was sexual tensions all over the place- and for a very brief (but intense moment) there were parents...yes, there were parents.  That actually was the time when the entire moral of the affair seemed to go downhill and where thrashing in my room to the music of our recent youth, began.

Oh man. 

Next up, Joe's leaving the Navy party.  Oh, sweet, Jeebus.

3:06 PM

Saturday, June 17, 2006 Friday Night Report (readable)

On Friday nights, some go to coffee shops or play board games, others may play cards; some stay home to watch TV, other people have hopes of going to the beach to eat Mexican food to no avail.  And, though that is all good and well, some of us use Friday night to party.

I partied of course.

I dragged my men and myself to gear up with a bottle of vodka in some soda bottles (for the sake of being discreet.)

My companions and I ended up going to a bar in North Park where 3 local punk bands played.  There, I met up with 3 cool girlfriends to drink, dance, and talk about dirty boys over cheap vodka-tonics. (=P) 
My friend was having issues with her relationship, and I felt obliged to assist.  The other two girls were wasted, and I joined them, occasionally, for a mosh-pit romp.  It was very loud; so loud, that even our whispers were loud.

Most of the people there I had never met, but there were some that I had gotten aquainted with once or twice from other parties or bars. There was a group of awesome folks that I had gotten to know when I went camping last year present as well.

I walked out once with this girl I barely met, to drink in the alley and smoke with my bestfriends.  They were busy talking about religion when we got there and their soda bottles of vodka were just about finished.

Later in the night as the bar was on its way to closing, the girl and I took on the challenge of getting all the aquaintences together to party with each other.  I had coaxed my other three girlfriends to open up their apartment for an after-party.  However, the guys hesistated to go to that party so we all decided to eat at a 24 Italian food restaurant near the college area called Etna's first.

Ah...conversations of video games, sky diving, and sarcastic jokes ensued over plates of spagehettis, raviolis, spongey/nasty-veal, and footlong hogies.  No one wanted their massive amounts of leftovers, so Mac and I took it upon ourselves to take all the extra food home (for good measure.)

Afterwards, stuffed to the brim, some folks were ready to depart towards home while the rest of us wanted to continue partying...playing Katomari Domacey(sp?) and smoking Weed- (to be more precise.)  But, most of us wanted to check out the girls' apartment, so we headed there instead.

We got to the apartment and when we looked in the window, we saw a dozen kids sleeping on the floor under a misty cloud of smoke.  We did get there late, so it wasn't a surprise. Most people woke up when we came in and we all continued to drink.  We ended up poking and prodding at some sleeping guy who lay in the middle of the living room; no matter what we did, he remained unphased.

My girlfriend and I took vodka shots and chased with tonic water; so little time and even less left to drink, afterall.  My other friends tended to more booze and food all while drunken chit chat continued among us all-about relationships and people in general. There was also lots of fooling around, bouncing on furniture, and jokes to be had!

The evening lead to a battle between a Mexican girl and a sarcastic "Racist-Asshole" getting it on with verbal insults over Immigration issues.  It was entertaining to everyone, I have to admit.  She would speak in Spanish and he would tell her to learn English...you know where that goes.

Eventually, it was time to go home at 5am in the morning.  All of us satisfied and well ready for bed.

Now that, my friends, is what I call a Friday night.

3:24 PM

Tuesday, June 06, 2006 Mammories.

drama ensueing in jovi's bedroom!
drama ensueing in the livingroom!
DRAMA!
gettoutta town!
Gettoutta here with that shit!
HOLLA!
Give me a Meeohment.
Bitch, please.
Murder!
Who does that!?
Penis in the butt, penis in the butt! Der der dah der der deeeer!
And, you're fired!
Never.
I'm livid!
::shocked/appalled Randy face::
Faaaahn-tah-stic!!
Ah-bsoleeutey.
Woooow.
Ohhhhhh gooooaaaah-owd!!! (echo) Ohhhh goooahwd!!
This bitch!
And you've lost your mind...
Drankn' the Vod.
Heh-ay!
Hey, behby how you durrn!?
Ahm gurrd.
Flame?
Vetoed!
Party at the JoHo's!
mmhm gur.
Six o'clock-Dead.




And I'm done.

I'm so done!!

Done!




(Add more if you got the mammories.)

7:38 AM

Friday, June 02, 2006 Don't Read This is Boring. Really. Stop. Don't Do It!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Don't Read This is Boring. Really. Stop. Don't Do It!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i have nothing interesting to write about.





oh? still reading, eh!?
was that not enough to make you look away??
well.  there's nothing exciting here. so get lost!  nothing!
except for the fact that probably all of you have seen me naked. or a naked part of me: like, my ass.
WHAT.  YOU HAVEN'T!?  you square. get with the times. i'm naked all the time. if you've missed that, where the hell have you been. im naked right now...

sigh...how about that game-spin the bottle.  oh spin that contrite bottle!! the bottle in my head, maybe!
have you played with me? no!? get ready.  im coming to get you...that's right...i know where you live.  i watch you when you sleep. im not talking to you!!! or--am i?
mwahahaha.
maybe im even...looking at you. 


right now.
ooo.
jeebus.  are you done reading this shit yet!?  SWEET JEEBUS. i think im out of interesting things to say.



except that i'd like to have a personal pole to dance like a dirty skank on, but even a pole wouldn't cut it, cuz then i would do a number on your lap, and then on YOUR FACE wearing nothing but a thong and nipple tassles and 9 inch stilettos with a whip in one hand and a leash in the other! OH HELL YA, RAPE! RAAAAAAPE!
are you feeling me?
haha.
im kidding.


ok...i'm half-kidding.
ha.

im totally kidding...about kidding.......ooo.




dood.  im done ok.  I had a lot on my chest.
and still do. bouncy bouncy!

OHHHHHHHH! TAKE THAT.
im done fer real.
look. ive written enough trash today.  go do your laundry.  you know you have a mountain of clothes growing.  you dont have to lie to kick it.  go, go, go...the show's over.

BUTTSEX!!!!!!!
k.
im done.

im out.


PENIS IN THE BUTT!! PENIS IN THE BUTT!! DER DER DAH DER DER DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!




<3




Are you seriously reading this still?  good lord. 

11:50 AM

Friday, May 26, 2006 Before 'n After (tee hee)

It takes a woman all powdered and pink
To joyously clean out the drain in the sink

And it takes an angel with long golden lashes
And soft dresden fingers
For dumping the ashes

O yes it takes a woman
A fragile woman
To bring you the sweet things in life

8:24 PM

Monday, May 15, 2006 Today

I sez:

Fuck this shit. Imma get mine.
Oh shnap! WTF mate. Time to pullout mah gat! Pop tha collah.  Get all gangsta on yo mutha fuckin' G, B.
Playurr. Don't be a hate-urr.
Wurrd to yo mutha.
D-d-d-Durrty Sizzouthsyde homie!!!!
Shiiiiet.
PEACEOUT.

 

 

11:56 PM

Sunday, May 14, 2006 A Shiftin'

This has been a very intense week and a half.  I lost a job...

...and a car.

Then, I attend an interview for a job, recieve an offer of their interest, but I turn them down because they don't pay enough and my agency wants to continue another assignment.  I make bank with that agency and I would be earning pennies and the other job; plus, the other job is surrounded by horror stories of past employees, so I declined the permanent job offer and continued happily temping for the monies. 

(my car was fixed too!)

Job and car. Go!

Now, currently, my house is swept over by a miserable and and elusive stomach bug; all of us--except the sister in law, are infected strangely.  I'm talking the whole nine with diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting.  Then, as I'm at my job the other day, with a gurgling stomach, my agency calls to tell  me that today was my last day.  Feeling like the biggest loser; I had lost the job one week after I had gained it.

SO...that leaves me wallowing in a deep pit of dispair...

and...

awake at 5:44am in the morning with a relentless shifting and gurgling in my gut.  I haven't really eaten anything in 2 days as I feel ill doing so.  I'm practically anorexic now.

Mac lost ten pounds with his bout. lol... Even under all this, I'll be lucky if I lost three.

yeah yeah, I know.

::smile::  Any laughter I've been able to let out today has been thanks to him.  He's as relentless as my gurgling gut in the effort to creaking a smile outta me; thank God. I would, so, be on my death bed if I hadn't had the chance to laugh today.

 

 

5:54 AM

Sunday, May 07, 2006 =(

cobwebs.

I know, right!?
=( maybe its because im fat and ugly.

 

 

10:32 AM

Sunday, April 30, 2006 The New Sunday

I am alone.
(emo. isn't it sickening?)
No friends...
My best friend is missing in action...
The Male has his friends...
But, I should have friends too...and the idea makes me sick to ask if I can hang out with his friends...it feels so wrong.
I shouldn't have to ask.  I should never have to ask...
Fuck. I asked, though...
Nowhere to go.
Soon, I will have no car. I mean, I already have no job.  I feel like I have nothing...
I have nothing here.
Tonight was the night for a grand hurrah...but, I am alone.
Will this be my Sunday from now on?  I have to admit...I guess I couldn't expect any different.  Ha...I must be being punished.
I wish I had someone to drink with...on a cliff at the beach; sharing a drink, sharing a moment.  Laughing...someone who cares to be with me.  Or at least, someone who misses me, you know.
I miss the bonfires...I miss the old days...I miss intimacy.
I was always rescued...in the old days.
Gosh...even those days were so very long ago.
I wonder who my Knight in Shining Armor will be tonight...if any at all.
Vodka?
sigh...

9:14 PM

Monday, April 24, 2006 Lady of the Ring

The Nuvaring...
MURDER!
I have never felt so many intermittent headaches, nausea, cramping and moodiness than I have in the last week and a half.
I had to pull that shit out. 
It's like migraine city with the stomach flu, man.  I don't recommend it.
So what are you gals out there using??
I felt so mental on these hormone methods.  I tried the Depo shot before; and, after two years I began having panic attacks and started feeling less like myself.  I know that I damaged friendships and relationships by being mental as well.
I wonder how many beautiful relationships, or jobs even (via sick days), ended on account of the craziness that it causes women; how much our reputation has been affected--like society generalizing, "girls are crazy!"
What if some of those bitchy girls are, by nature, really the nicest girls on the planet, and are actually altered by the freakin' hormones? 
It made me sad...I feel sorry for those girls out there who are going nuts and can't help but cry and beat up their boyfriends; and, they have no idea why. 
Then, they may end up losing the man of their dreams which could lead these girls to think that they aren't good enough or that there are no fish in the sea for them. (Mac has been a pillar of strength and understanding.  I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.) 
10 years ago, the hormone content in contraceptive methods were like, 3 times higher!  What if some of our parents divorced because of them!?  I know women with breast cancer had slashed chances of survival because of the estrogen content in their BC pills.  (It increases the rate of tumor growth.)
This is a battle, I tell you.  It's a battle that has endured since women had to take these things.
I have no doubt about the unseen effect women's birth control has had on all of us; our men, our children, and especially the women.
...Sigh, but what else can be done?

I can tell you this...I took it out about an hour ago and I feel a lot better already. 

Edit note-(I haven't even began to talk about the withdrawal symptoms when you get off these drugs. With any chemical taken on a daily basis, like caffiene, cigarettes, heroin-when you stop, you get withdrawal.  Depo's withdrawal is like PMS x2, the stomach flu, and migraines, for an entire month.)  I like contraception. I guess I'm just hoping for a greater understanding for the women who take these things.

12:02 PM

Saturday, April 22, 2006 Like a Man

You know how, generally, a man gauges his self worth based on the money he makes and the job that he has?
I am like that.
Having no job makes me feel worthless.  Having no income gives me anxiety and stress that I really don't need right now. 
Sure, I was smart to build up a decent nest egg, more like a nest fuzz, before my temp assignment was terminated--but if I don't get a job in a month or so, I'll be absolutely broke again.
Again.
Last time I was broke I was sling-shot into a depression.
Ha.  The Great Depression. Great, indeed.
Anyone have a job?
I should totally become a stripper...
Sike.
Maybe a burlesque dancer....
Ha!
I know! I'll stuff envelopes...Nah.
Maybe I should just live with my mother in San Fran, so she can pay for everything while I finish school...
That would be the smartest way.
Unfortunately, I am too often ruled by my heart.  Sigh...

12:40 PM

Thursday, April 13, 2006 Goodbye Lamp

I'm never going there again.

I love you guys...and I'm sorry you hate my friends that much to scorn me the way I was scorned last Sunday. Perhaps you hate my friends, but why hurt me? Never have I done anything so mean to any of you.

I know and will hold close to heart, those of you who stood up for me.

Others of you, I only see at the Lamplighter, so I'll probably never see you again.
I will miss you. I will miss what it was.

If you don't know what happened: 2 of my most precious friends were framed by people who I thought were true. Most likely because they aren't popular with the Lamplighter crowd. Nonetheless, the claims against them were not true; they never set foot in the bar.

I came to the bar with them, because I didn't want to miss out on hanging with my Lamp crew or with my long absent boyfriend. (Believe it or not, those boys enjoy your guys' company) But, I thought keeping them outside was enough to afford both situations. I was wrong.

Remember underage Nick with a fake ID? I do. And, I remember how nice the Lamp treated him.

I know some people hate my bestfriends. I just wish those people would've just spoken their peace with me...instead of hurting me the way they did on Sunday.

I'm so sad. Because, I'm still not sure exactly who those people are and do not know who to trust anymore. I'm debating if I should stay away completely. I mean, I felt utterly hated that night.

No one knows how much those boys are a part of my life, and how much they love me and take care of me, and treat me well...no one cares about that side of them, how they never would betray me. Can't that be enough for a little respect...?

If you have anything thing to say...send me a message or a comment.

11:54 AM

Thursday, April 13, 2006 Goodbye Lamp

I'm never going there again.

I love you guys...and I'm sorry you hate my friends that much to scorn me the way I was scorned last Sunday. Perhaps you hate my friends, but why hurt me? Never have I done anything so mean to any of you.

I know and will hold close to heart, those of you who stood up for me.

Others of you, I only see at the Lamplighter, so I'll probably never see you again.
I will miss you. I will miss what it was.

If you don't know what happened: 2 of my most precious friends were framed by people who I thought were true. Most likely because they aren't popular with the Lamplighter crowd. Nonetheless, the claims against them were not true; they never set foot in the bar.

I came to the bar with them, because I didn't want to miss out on hanging with my Lamp crew or with my long absent boyfriend. (Believe it or not, those boys enjoy your guys' company) But, I thought keeping them outside was enough to afford both situations. I was wrong.

Remember underage Nick with a fake ID? I do. And, I remember how nice the Lamp treated him.

I know some people hate my bestfriends. I just wish those people would've just spoken their peace with me...instead of hurting me the way they did on Sunday.

I'm so sad. Because, I'm still not sure exactly who those people are and do not know who to trust anymore. I'm debating if I should stay away completely. I mean, I felt utterly hated that night.

No one knows how much those boys are a part of my life, and how much they love me and take care of me, and treat me well...no one cares about that side of them, how they never would betray me. Can't that be enough for a little respect...?

If you have anything thing to say...send me a message or a comment.

11:54 AM

Thursday, April 06, 2006 Media Babies

You think you know folks who are unique and cool one day, and then you watch a high-pop mainstream Tarantino movie that came out in the 90's, for the first time...
Suddenly- you're watching their jokes, watching their personalities, and their personal convictions happen on the screen.
You realize that your folks are literally a reflection of the movie.
No real substance...their lives direct evidence of the influence of pop culture....Media Babies.
scary.

2:12 PM

Saturday, April 01, 2006 "The Heat is On"

...was the title of the very first Porno I watched when I was twelve.  I still remember it very well.

Damn...I know how Gym (my kitty) feels when she's ripe and mewing and utterly annoying but...Damn, damn, damn...

Day in; day out...I can't stop thinking about it all mother-FUCKing day long...I NEED IT!  Maybe it's because I am not on birth control anymore (but will be tomorrow, ok.)

This holy drink I have here, is definitely not helping...increase in Estrogen, much?  Yes-gaddamit!!

I HAVE THE LIBIDO OF A JUVENILE BOY IN PUBERTY RIGHT NOW, SHIT! WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT!?

Attractive, aren't I...Too much information, isn't it!? 

Well, too bad...I'm blogging and you know you can relate now and again. (Yes, you can, Ashley. You don't have to say it, I knoooow these things!  And Mac, you don't have to say a FUCKing word.)

I have pent up energy that is in need of venting.

THANKS.

 

9:16 PM

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 Cohabitation Station

In two weeks I am going to have an indisposable roomate.  I'm utterly excited and a little nervous at the same time.  I've never lived with anyone other than my family before...so I'm just a tiny bit anxious about it.
But, I'm an anxious person, I guess.  At least, that's what Dr. Walter says, lol.

Well, I have lived with Vera...and we wrang each others necks out...practically almost murdered each other.
Eh-but we still love each other now...

What if my territorial and somewhat solitary side does me in, you know. He is territorial too. Living together- you're exposed...Everything might have to be shared...although that might turn out to be pretty cool. Plus, it's not like we haven't practically lived together when he was here anyway.  Still- I can't help but be wary.

My remedy, at least 'till I'm used to it, is separate rooms.  I think, if we like it- it could be a long term thing.  A little privacy is good for everyone anyway and it helps keep stuff near the person that it belongs to, where they want it.  I mean, maybe if Vera and I followed this, we wouldn't have almost killed each other. lol.

On the other hand, I'll have my bestfriend nearby to play with, party with, hang out with, laugh with, debate with, talk with, come home to, fuck with, and...you know, all the warm and fuzzy anyone could ask for.  Yay!

I suppose this is one of the transitions in life that we all end up doing at one time or another and can never be truly ready for; you just have to do it to find out, I guess.

I've learned, being too often the pessimist and cynic, that most things turn out better than I expect; the AWOL trip to Missouri was great!  Most academic tests, that I study like a workhorse for, end up being much easier than I thought they'd be...and so on.

My knowledgeable co-worker said I'll "be fine" that "it'll be fun" and my soon-to-be roomate's excitement about the situation is very assuring and charming. This all helps me feel more comfortable about it.  Afterall, in a way we'd be flying the coop together by living with each other.  One must fly the blasted coop someday. lol.
Perhaps, the recent distance we've endured may still be fucking with me and I'm sure it'll be in no time before I remember the person that I wished for so long to come back.

So, he's coming back---WITH A VENGEANCE, DAMMIT. Ha!

11:51 PM