Sexuality., Jan 4, 2008, 10:49 PM

Man. There's so many wonderful homosexuals out there...it makes me imagine what it would be like. I'm totarry straight, don't get me wrong. Like, gotta have the cackles con huevos. But, you have to admit; some homos are pretty damn cute. Hahaha!

Just feeling the love. Love from all peoples tonight.

Oh, damnit! According to Brain Age, I'm a mindless geezer-I blame the cheap vodka.

Day 3-Relashe Crap (A series of vents continues), Jan 4, 2008, 9:07 PM

Well. For most of the day I was fuckn' sad. I missed him. I missed him, and I wanted to somehow reach him, indirectly-like through his friends...to tell him that I love him, and that I hope he's doing ok.

But, this break is more of his idea that I was willing to try, so it is his break to end.  I've learned so much in these few days about my flaws with my outlook, and received insight on the way we treat each other.

I regretted a lot today.  I regretted a lot of things that I said to him, or did to him...throwing misdirected bad energy at him.  As much as I hate to say it...I deserved this.  I deserved it, and I'm sorry.

God...everything we've been through for the last three years flashed before me today.  My depression came in waves that kept crashing...first remembering what he did to me then remembering what I've done to him...realizing that neither of us are innocent and both contributed to where we are now.

At first, I didn't know how to be positive about this...until I figured this break is truly keeping us together. Without it, we would've been broken apart. I hope he's realizing as many issues and solutions as I am. 

These days apart feels like an eternity. 

Then, I remeber New Year's day, and the coldness I felt from him...it was as though he didn't love me anymore, despite the the things he said.  I hope it was just anger. I hope he still loves me. I bought "Poker for Dummies," for crying out loud.

I should have been there with you.

Enlightening:

Tnyspryt (8:58:08 PM): so yeah
Tnyspryt (8:58:16 PM): explain why guys need time to themselves, for thinking?
Tnyspryt (8:58:18 PM): dude...really?
Tnyspryt (8:58:37 PM): i can get it together in 3 minutes if i have to
starznballz (8:58:54 PM): hmm.. well think about it, luvs. Don't tell me you can be with someone for every single moment and not be tired of the monotony
Tnyspryt (8:59:35 PM): no no no
Tnyspryt (8:59:37 PM): not monotony
Tnyspryt (8:59:45 PM): its more about fighting all the time
Tnyspryt (8:59:52 PM): and stressful situations
starznballz (8:59:39 PM): so the monotony of fighting and stressful situations?
starznballz (8:59:39 PM):
Tnyspryt (9:00:09 PM): ohhhhhhhhhh
Tnyspryt (9:00:12 PM): h,
Tnyspryt (9:00:14 PM): hm
Tnyspryt (9:00:23 PM): dude, that doesn't solve anything
Tnyspryt (9:00:26 PM): that just puts it off
Tnyspryt (9:00:47 PM): sounds like the pussy way out
Tnyspryt (9:00:48 PM): lol
starznballz (9:00:28 PM): well that doesn't mean you'll come back a week later and ignore it
Tnyspryt (9:01:09 PM): rey. you are one of the most talented gurus i know
Tnyspryt (9:01:16 PM): you keep making sense
starznballz (9:00:57 PM): i would assume it's so you guys can get your emotions straight so you can solve your problems rationally
Tnyspryt (9:01:24 PM): you are the world's best kept secret

There's a storm out tonight.  Finally, some rationality. Thank you.

Day 2-Relationship Crap (A series of vents), Jan 3, 2008, 9:37 PM

Today was ANGRY VENTING day.  I was so pissed.  How stupid it is to go on a break instead of realizing my lonliness and lack of support is what got us here in the first place! You're the one who doesn't visit, who doesn't call and who gets and does things that make me feel insecure! I put myself in your shoes, and I think no matter how painful my legs are, I'm fuckin' driving up to see you dammit, with or without a poker game! That to me is love. 

The things you're doing causes me to feel unloved and it's not hard to see why. And, now you've removed yourself from supporting me at all. Great for me. My first blog proves to have been a superficial point of denial and not hope.

Well. Now that that's out of the way...I wonder what you've come up with.  I hope you're not drowning in sorrow, because that's what were trying to avoid. We're being positive remember...holding on to the light that we both feel remains.

Can't you forgive me for blaspheming in my drunkeness!? I have done that for you countless times...and I'm still here. I'm always here.  Even in our separation.; always wishing you would  be stronger. Gosh, I am resentful.  But, I can heal and learn to forgive. Though my self esteem and pride have drowned, and I've been soo wrong in bringing up break-up all the time...what you are doing to me has turned out to be....fair.  I throw my arms up with, "Fair enough." 

I'm a "5" and I want the relationship to be a "10." I read a book today on this.  I cannot have a "10" relationship because I, myself, lack the skills that it takes for that level of a relationship.  It's like, I'm wishing for someone to come around and be perfect...but that's stupid and will never happen. 

Dammit. I do like what I have wth you.  I want us to make it.  But, we need to learn how to listen and respond in a way where we're not competing, or trying to win, and rather in a way where we take responsibility for the feelings we cause each other to feel. Then, move forward to switch it around until the other feels better. 

I'm learning a lot in this stupid break that I hate so much.  LOL.

I miss you. Asshole.

Yatta! (A Series of Vents ), Jan 2, 2008, Day 17:45 PM

(I've got it!)

I resented this break at first.

To me, the whole reason for our misery was that I was unsatisfied that you didn't want to sacrifice what I was willing to sacrifice to make our relationship work: visits, money, and quality time. Suddenly, demanded I stay away on New Year's day and then pull the idea of a break out of your hat!? All this meant to me was more lack of  your ability/want to sacrifice those visits, money, and quality time. I thought, when I wanted a break for other problems we had, you didn't let us; but now that you want one, I'm supposed to respect your demands!?

If I didn't understand...I would have been mad, naturally. I felt unloved and neglected to begin with. Then, you decided to push me even farther away with this break which made me even angrier.

But, in the end, the break has truly been insightful, and you were right. It lead me to realize what our true problem is.

We're failing because I need a lot of support for this transition, but you're not strong enough to support me, because you, yourself are suffering (job, building a safety net, missing me.)  So, my frustration has been that you cannot be my rock at this time.  We're two weak people, drowning together. And, I've been angry for something that I now understand.

So who will pull us out?  The answer is: every man for himself.  We need to look towards the shore for the hands of our loved ones that are reaching out to support us.  I didn't know they were there until I asked, and I was surprised at the amount of people that were waiting for me to call to them for support.  My gratitude and love for them is beyond life.  We also need to build our individual inner strength, and be happy with ourselves, before we can support each other through our living situation.

Now I realize that we are the same and that we both need outside support and inner strength to be able to provide the support we need for each other in our current separated situation. Being apart, weakens us.  Our state of mind before this would have continued to hurt what we have.

We can see this as a negative relationship issue. But it isn't; it makes perfect sense. So, we can now make adaptations with our behavior, attitude, and outlook.

I can finally stop being frustrated at you for what I thought were your short-comings in our situation because I share those short-comings with you. We are alike in that, being apart is unnatural to us, and makes us sensitive towards each other, frustrated, and lonely.

Hm.

Good call, sweetheart. I'll see you in a few days.

I Need a Peephole, Dec 27, 2007, 6:53 PM

Ok, this is wierd. For the last four days, someone has knocked on my door or fiddled with my doorknob.  Then, when I open it-no one is there. I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!? I have no way to know who it is unless I yell at the person...but I also don't want anyone to know that I am home.  Also, my pepper spray is NEVER where I need it to be.  I anxiously await my visit for tonight.  I just may open the door...

I'm so good. I can eat Udon soup with chopsticks.

I got a beautiful chair today, from the dumpster.  Its quite a beaut' believe it or not. I hope it isn't cursed or something freakish.

I've been sick the last 3 days.  My nose finally stopped running, but I awake at 3 am with the migraine of my life. Thank God, Tylenol works though.

So. When's the mass emmigration to Los Angeles, people!? Gettoutta town. (and head over hurr, bitch!)

Hawthorne..., Dec 3, 2007, 8:17 PM

   "The City of Good Neighbors"

That's why you should visit me. Wah!

First Audition, Nov 6, 2007, 8:27 AM

    For fun, new friends, and extra cash, I plan on auditioning as a frontwoman for an 80's cover band on Thursday.

    I'll be learning Scandal's "The Warrior," Madonna's "Material Girl," and the The Bangles' "Walk Like and Egyptian," to sing during the audition.


    Man, if I got it, I would be ultra hyped, yo. 


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! PLZ PLZ PLZ!!