hip hop, Sep 30, 2006 ,11:48 AM

make ya stop at an art/hip hop show held in a church. i walked in vip with my name on the list. that was interesting considering my entourage (if you will): Mac, Justin, some Jamie girl, Will, Sideshow, Tony, and Jon Gonzales and his friend, Rich.

some of the meanest "freestylers" were spitting on the mic that night, not that i would know who they were though...it wasn't dim enough for my taste and we really didn't indulge ourselves in the show.
mostly we stood outside smoking, laughing, joking, and reminiscing about days of highschool, the livingroom, and my old apartment...i will never deny Will's protectiveness over me again, i promise you that (bc when I did, he had a long list that proved me wrong of times when he came to the rescue)
then, all too quickly the road, Newport, to the beach called and our tongues craved some alchy, so we r-u-n-n-o-f-t to the Ocean Beach.--or dog beach or whatever its called, (with the long pier 'n stuff.)
we sat over at Lifeguard post #2.  I learned Sideshow and Will missed the old days as much as I do, and the St. "Paddy's Day of yore" came up where boyfriends were switched  and people were kissed, and the era of the spin the bottle blues, the going to school/work hung over, partying everynight, penises and well, you know-all that jazz.
justin, and this is no new thing for him, attracted a pissant pothead over to our group and conjured bullshit conversations.  for the most part everyone was like, wtf? and couldn't wait for the loser to mind his business.  eventually the mooch r-u-n-n-o-f-t to proly bother some other folks.
drankin some beers and champagne and making volcanos with cigarette cherries as the lava, while chatting it up with old friends at the beach was what happened last night. we were all sitting in a circle, except justin who was puking and his lady friend who was in my car sleeping.
suddenly, the pissant fellow came back and called Sideshow gay several times-pointing an obnoxious finger down at his head.  sideshow's face turned sallow,  he lit a cigarette, stood up, and gave a warning to best not point down at his face again. the pissant didn't listen then called Will gay, then Tony, then Mac. i looked at Will, he was smiling a deadly smile and i knew what he wanted to do. 
the pissant went further and called Sideshow a dancer, a gay dancer...Will stood up slowly, his height and size  more apperant and intimidating with every inch that he rose...then tony slowly rose as the fool kept yapping...finally Mac rose to tower behind Sideshow.  I sat below, watching the event that was occurring before my eyes. the pissant was asking for a serious beat down.  Sideshow, and the 3 other beasts behind him were waiting...waiting for the bastard to execute one final obnoxious finger in Sideshows face. once he saw that he was surrounded, without a goodbye, the shrimp r-u-n-n-o-f-t. I loved what I saw.  it was like the purest example of the meaning of brotherhood to be witnessed.
after the night came to a close, i stared up at the night sky and told myself that like every rare fullfilling moment, this was one friday night that satisfied.

Party By Myself, Sep 24, 2006 ,5:46 PM

Last night I was invited to go to a party that left me hanging out by myself in a stairwell.  I wondered, "What am I doing in this corner?  Why is it hard for me to socialize when that is something I do well?"

When a person goes out to a party where he expects to know no one, the person usually brings a trusted friend.  One purpose of the companion is to provide a small safety net and comfort in the case that the people at the party aren't great, or are separated in cliques, etcetera.
But, what if your trusted friend that invited you, knew everyone that was going to be at the party, and brought along his bestfriend?  What do you get then? You get ditched.  This doesn't happen to everyone, I noticed, but it happens to me.
There I was alone; a little peeved that I was alone since I went there with people I called friends.  Well, they went to talk to their clique and ditched me, so I went for the booze.   It seems I entered into my friends' big frat house when I hate frats.  The booze was my only solace for some time. This friend that invited me would come by once in a while just to stand near me in pity of my lonesomeness, but I didn't want pity. 
That's when I decided to call on my own friends.  I wanted my friends.  I missed my friends.  My friends are always there for me, I thought. Two replied to my text.  But, the two closer girlfriends of mine, surprisingly never replied. 
No one cared to join me.  At that moment, I felt more alone than I've ever felt at a party and I realized a few things.
The scenario presented the truth.  I learned some substantial truth about San Diego, my friends, the boyfriend, their friends, and me.  Everything I've cultivated here is superficial I don't think I belong here.  I'm someone that needs substance...meaning...and to be with people who really care.
Well, not being the one to mope at a party for long, I dialed another old friend, Sideshow.  He came and he came to be with me.  I revealed some truths to him and he listened.  Some of these truths were very wrong, but entirely real and I don't know if I should be ashamed of myself.  He told me that he cared and decided to remain by my side the entire night.
An odd part about it was, when I finally felt that I was enjoying myself, the other friend who ditched me wouldn't let me be happy.  He kept interfering in my conversations since I finally had someone to talk to.  Why did this other friend finally choose to talk to me now?  It was just strange how that happened and it angered me.  Eventually, he left me alone and for the first time I was glad that he did.
The party died down and we left for another one that consisted of cholos and cholas.  But there, I had to deal with belligerent drunkenness, drunken professions of love, and the worry of not being able to remain the responsible one in the whole outfit.  I yelled out everything in anger, frustration, and sadness.  I did that on purpose though, because I knew that the next day it would be forgotten anyway. At least I could vent.
For me, love is based on action, not meaningless words and belligerent professions of love.
The next day came and it's like nothing ever happened.  Even though most people would call this a problem...I strangely take comfort in it.  I may be wrong and hurting myself by taking such comfort, but I do anyway.

Black Thoughts,Sep 16, 2006, 1:54 PM

if people really knew what i was capable of thinking, i dont think they would like me very much.

i can be cruel, a lier, a pervert, two-faced, selfish, suspicious, mental, spoiled, and a coward.
i said it.  but i bet you dont believe me.  i've fooled even you.

but--
im also a master of being who you want me to be.
and that's fooled even me. and its made you like me. im not sure which is my real self anyway, with all these faces.

someone's patio Sep 9, 2006, 10:22 AM

last night was awesome.  i hung out with my boys again.  i've been missing that kind of action for sometime now.  it was refreshing to be with them. i guess its cuz justin hates east county, so we dont hang with him too often anymore, and i really enjoy hanging out with mac's friend dustin too. and an ebay boutique owner: michelle (sereptas boutique).  they rule. <3

we went to a cool house owned by this cool fellow of 6'3" with a fro and a Snidley mustache. there was a lot of beer. i drank me some pabst and 40s of mickey's. finally, booze i didnt have to buy, and it was sweet! there was music and some dancing. cops came, so we crammed in the awesomely tiny living room. justin starting singing his "i wont get in trouble cuz im 21" song. ha.
got some drunk on.
i drunk dialed nailah and was told some words that i needed to hear.  apperantly im into partying and drinking and no one else is.  so i should find new friends or something along those lines.  or start going  to the bar again.  those are the options.  she's probably right.  the golden era of when the bond was strongest between my friends and i, hast past.  i was mostly glad that she and i got a chance to share words in the first place.  that was overall nice.
then we went to this house of macs friends. i drank their booze and ate all their hors de'voures. or whatever. cheese-cracker-meats. did some dancing. but we had to leave because mackie had work early. in between this house and the last, i guess i dropped someone off, but i dont remember. got us some bandido burritos later.
so apperantly people dont wear sarongs because theyre fancy--but ill have you know, in hawaii, people sleep, work, and whatever with those things on.  i wore a sarong with knickers and high heels, and got all kindsa attention...which was pretty neat.  had a sparkely brouche on. (sp??) crimped my hair.  something about partying makes me feel dressy, you know. mac liked. so es good. what a sweety.
so anyway. i awoke with an unnatural swoon of hangover, mac took my car to work, and i want to watch my friends act tonight. that'll be cool. maybe they'll throw a drinking party on a bridge again. i like drinkin on or under bridges like nobodys business! haa.
i think imma nap now.

here's to: no sleep. Sep 3, 2006, 3:56 AM

so im now forced to stay up.  mac is out in my car, covered in his own vomit. 

sigh.
i thought i'd leave him in my car. but i noticed he was sweating bullets, and i began thinking scary thoughts and feeling sorry,  so i dragged a blanket and a pillow to my car so i could just sleep next to him and hear him breathe.
but i couldnt sleep. he kept gurgling. so, in an effort to fix things, i tried to wake him up.  when i got him to make audible, though nonsensical replies, he would just grunt.  then he threw up all over the sidewalk and on his pants.
sigh. this is the second time actually. before missouri, he never did this.
now, i can't seal  him safely in the car because his head and feet are hanging out and he might puke in the car. i also dont want to sleep in the car with him now, because he might puke on me. =P
so, i took out my phone and recorded him in this state to show him tomorrow for vengeance.  i may seem mad right now, but overall im worried.
sigh.
im so sleepy. besides the fact that i wanted to talk to him tonight.  he always ditches me to hang out with his friends when we hang out with them and tonight i spent the majority of the later hours sleeping in the car, getting way sobered up; bitter. earlier when we hung out with my friend, i made sure mac wasn't isolated or singled out.  i never let him feel isolated.  but whatever, i guess. it's not like he'll remember anything anyway.
speaking of not caring (or whatever), he keeps on avoiding a conversation that we shouldn've had days ago, about a female friend of his.  i hope we talk about this soon, too, because im really starting to think he doesn't care.
i called justin for assistance. he helped me feel more secure about leaving mac outside.  im supposed to let him sleep and check up on him every now and then, apperently.  i could use someone's help right now. i don't like being in this spot, if you know me at all, you know exactly why.
sigh.
at least i had my bonfire, and beer, and Topher--a good time.  ((I had so much fun with Topher at his bonfire.  He and I will be planning one for next weekend.  We kinda isolated ourelves, though, because half the people at the fire were strangers, even to the bonfire host.  There were people with a drum ensemble next to us. Topher totally crippled my right boob too! Ugh, that bastard.  MAny a conversation about theater, old friends, scenic peeing, cops, hooker names, the name Topher, sand, pirates, and a slew of other random themes, ensued. We all got really wasted, a little too quickly.))
---the night was all fun and games until we dropped Christopher off and mac and i got to scolari's. that's where i got ditched of course, so mac can over-drink hard liquor on a belly full of beer, ditch me for his friends, and pass out in my car so he can hang out obviously for onlookers to see and think me a bad girlfriend.
dont get me wrong. i care about him. im just venting right now. and trying to stay awake so i can go and check on the man.  ill proly erase this blog.
or not.

GET THOS ENGINES RUNNING!! Sep 1, 2006,10:18 PM

this sucks.  i haven't hung out with my friends for several weeks now. 
is it because i work during the week and no one does anything on the weekends? it could be that i also go to school two nights a week? or do people just hate me?  
and---i expect all the excuses that i've heard before (i'm not discounting them, just letting you all know that i know what you're going to say):
I work weekends.
I work during the week.
I gotta get up early.
I got finals.
I don't wanna drink.
It's getting late.
I'm tired.
I gotta spend time with my boyfriend.
But it's board game night.
But we're going to the bar.
I can't.
That takes work.
We don't hate you.
I can't have anyone over.
I'm going straight home.

Listen to you guys (and I'm not saying i'm completely innocent, but at least i make an effort).
Sigh, it's not like I've complained about this to nai a billion times anyway.
This labor day, I need to do something crazy.  But it seems like I'll be alone in that game.
Camp anyone?  Hollywood?  Disneyland? Something?

Well, here's my alternate universe for your entertainment and mine; work (since it's the only other place I hang out at these days:

That's my desk.

The left side. (Yes, there's my betta that was featured in the last blog)

Look, there's a frame with a few good Mac 'n me's in there.

The typical view outta my cube.

A note to myself.

My little whiteboard that hangs behind me.

There's my neighbor, Stella--working diligently.

My bestfriend at work, Udon: she's "ghetto-laid back."

And, there I am. Obviously not working.

Monstro: the inflated bellied hermit fish. <3  He helps me get through the day.
See how bored I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SAve Me. 
Because:

Just In! Aug 25, 2006; 8:38 PM

My fish has gas.

That's right, gas.

You see, bettas have a tendency to overeat, and under colder temperatures, such as that of my office, their digestive tracts don't function properly.  If you throw in a load of pellets, they're likely to eat themselves to death.

Well, I being the clever girl, purchased a special fish food for Monstro (alas, that is his name) that you throw in the water as a large block of bloodworm.  After a course of 7 days, it dissolves dispersing food slowly. With that, I simply figured there'd be no problems.  I could be lazy, and he could eat.

I walked into my cubicle the next day to find the little puddle swimmer bobbing at the surface of his fishbowl! Dead?  No; still alive, to my relief...except that the skin between is abdominal scales was visible since his belly had expanded to twice its normal size. T'was a seething bubble of hot gas- hot abdominal dwelling methane gas. (And, a case of serious indigestion, no doubt.)

The air sac especially hindered Monstro's attempts to dive.  I would see him occasionally swim, with utter vengeance (and obviously pissed off), to reach the bottom of the bowl where his favorite hiding spot lay.  To no avail, as soon as he tuckered out from the blast of energy it took just to dive, he would soar to the surface again and commence bouyant bobbidge; his back left out to dry in the air-conditioned winds.

The fish seemed to weigh a battle with his inflated belly every other minute:
And, in this corner! Monstro! Weighing in at a gram, comes in swiftly in an effort to prevent capsizing by his terrible foe: the ferocious Gut Bubble! An opponent with ever increasing lift!

Yes.  It's sad to watch the forced lean that Monstro must endure.
So, I left him in a bowl of clean water with absolutely no food.  The three day fast should do him some good.